Wow. Fail.

Wow, I hate this.

I'm sorry that I'm bitchin' and whinin' but.. WTFUCK IS THIS DENTIST THINKING GIVING PEOPLE THAT MAKES THEM DEPRESSED?!

Yeah, it heals the pain and all but it gets me fuckin' depressed. I actually cried man.

This day started out as stupid as it is.

My dad yelling at me over and fuckin' over again.

And then also when I got home after the fucking surgery.

And then blah.

Blah blah blah, fuck fuck fuck, blah !

I'm in fucking pain. And seriously, nothign is making me feel any better.

Not these meds, nothing.

I know I'm being a little bitch right now but, I can't fucking take it.

Right when I need it the most, it's gone.

Right when I need that little push to help me feel better, it's gone.

Right when I need it to help me, it's gone.

Funny when I never leave it.

Funny how this always happen.

Nada.

De nada.

Wisdom Teeth.

Got my wisdom teeth out today.

Seems like it wasn't such a fucking fun feeling.

On top of that.. blah.

Just blah.

I seriously feel bad already.

Fuck. Just seriously. I just feel like shooting someone.

I feel like shit.

I feel like SHIT. Okay?

I actually feel like breaking down right now.

This is fucking stupid.

Fuck. fuck. Fuck. I can't fucking take this.

Boo.

It's sad how I have to lie to myself in Christmas day.
Have to lie to myself that everything is okay.

Yeah, after a while of nothing, it's my fault once again.
Ha ! Things never really change, do they.

Now there goes my excuse.
And I dun got anything with me anymore.
What now?

It's time for giving.
And it's time to give...













(8) Up up up and away we go !

People need to learn who He truly is.

December 23, 2009. - 6:37 PM

I remember about 4 years ago, I was looking at Bo Sanchez' face, a very amazing preacher, very amazing mentor and has founded the Light of Jesus Community that is now all around the world. I was staring at him and I was telling myself, promised myself and asked God to help me be like him in a matter of 5 years.

I am 17 now, 4 years ago, I would be 13 and I can surely say that I was very naive. To say something like that without even thinking of what it really means. And I forced myself in the spotlight, as a matter of attention. To be praised, to be thought of someone that is good, my ego and pride. His presence to me, was only like a drug, to overcome my own anxieties and make myself feel "good". I used Him as a placebo to make myself better and at the same time, make myself feel bad.

An addictive attitude that I truly kept and has abused quite a few things in my life. It's hard and painful. And slowly but surely, I was strayed away. Finding any means necessary to get over myself, justifying my actions by doubting God and finding as many reasons possible, to procrastinate dealing with things and finding reasons not to believe God.

But God is not the question, He is the answer.
God is love.

I think everyone needs God.

And finding Him is hard.

Grow up.

Grow the fuck up. That's what I keep on telling myself, at least.
This is bullshit. Why do I feel so shit. Seriously, this thing ain't getting any better for me.
Uhg. Boo.

It's easier to keep up than it is to catch up but all I did was mess up.
Fucking hell.

I hate this shit.

Bah.

I realized why I keep on failing.
Though realizing why, is only half of how to get there.

Well, as I was going about my boredom, I realized why I'm failing hard.
I think it's because I'm really scared.

And I'm not giving my best, nor even trying.
And despite that, my morals WANT me to try.
My heart and spirit, doesn't want me to try.
And now, my whole body is in this state of dilemma or conundrum.
Which leads to my various illness-es that is coming from out of nowhere and my exhaustion.

I really have no idea how to deal with this.
It's like, I have to go through this when I don't even know what to do, or how to do it, or what I'm supposed to be doing.

I feel like I'm just failing this thing real hard.

Wow. Wtf.

This is so bs.

Blank.

I haven't even heard the sound of your voice.
It was only the blank tones and empty sounds of dialing and ringing.
My heart was already shaking.
I can already hear the shattering noises that my heart is making as you pick up the phone.
Your coldest hello, though I'm so used to it.
The ones that you give me before you leave my heart blank and empty once more.
I hear it once again and my whole body starts to tremble.
Listening to the voice that is about to break and torment me.
The emptiness of your tone, the deafening nothing of your silence.
All it comes down to me, as I shake, rattle and roll around the edges of my bed.
I can feel it coming, as you downsize my feelings one more.
Torture my inner being once again.
Blame it on the mistakes that I make from the steps that I take.
Foolishly hanging on to the thread-line that separates our inner sanctuary from being broken.
Though the opportunity of downfall is new, the feeling is old.
Numb to the entire process that interludes the end.
Listening to your silence.

My Hunger For Your Affection

I hunger for your affection.
Day and night I long for your undivided attention.
I need your thoughts of right intentions to stop me from actions
That yells out for constant admiration.
I ask for your abiding flattery to boost my confidence every single day
As I walk upon the course of apathy and alienation.
I am nobody.
I am nobody to somebody when nobody asks for somebody.
Just another slate of body, a shell of insignificancy rotting within my veins
drowning anybody I touch with the poison within my skin, I call ambiguity.
I blame you.
I blame you for leaving me in the midst of my uncertainty.
The consciousness I lack that you have depraved me from your sudden absent.
I blame your blind disguise incapable of seeing yourself through the reflection of the mirror
Where you see my tormented soul without your intent to repent and me.
I miss you.

It's been a long while.

Hi.
It's been a long time eh?

Well, Hi, my old and dearest friend.
Here I am again. Once, twice, gone but always be back in your life.
Bear with me, my left arm has been in pain, from I don't know.

I think this blogpost will show me why it's been killing me and how this is all back again.

But hey, how's my summer been? Well, things has been quite well. Though, my summer started up with a lot of pressure thrown upon me. Yeah, it was painful. A summer where I went through a lot of things that I didn't think will be possible yet, it was possible. Thanks to You.

I got her back again but looking back to what I went through. It was painful. The hassle, the thoughts, the agony, the long and sleepless nights, the painful memories of yesterday and the crushed hopes of tomorrow, and the constant influences by many friends and family. That's how it all started.

But it happened anyway. And God, I am thankful for all these. Very thankful that I have her.

It's funny though. It didn't end there. Getting kicked out or even, moving out was a journey and an adventure, I wanted to be in. It was fun. My only thought was that, I'll go through even the harshest place in the world, as long as I'd be with her, things will be alright. It was weird, and somehow, I had a reason not to slack off and make things work as they are. I think I love her that much. Jeez. Well, it was hard but waking up to her face, seeing her right when I wake up and hugging her right beside me, everything was all worth it. I enjoyed every moment of it and God, I thank you that I went through that.

Well, we both ended up going to our respective houses. And in the few little days that I got her back, something happened, we fought, we ended and me, shattered once again. Yeah, I was desperate. I came by everyday of the week, called her, talked to her and did all that I could to make us work, and it didn't work, I think. Everyday was a different flower. One day was happiness, next day was another break up. Somehow, things just worked out and we got back again. And I am happy to have her. All the trouble, every moment of it, I cherish for being with her, to me, is like a state of ecstasy that I'd love to be in. She brings both the fantasy and reality in my world and leads me to where I should be. I love her and I'm actually crazy for her. I love her cooking, her motherly attitude, her wife-like intentions and I love how she takes care of me. She's the girl that I'd fight death for and would live life to be with. I'm in love with her. That is all. I want her in my future, I want her in Waterloo.

Well, my brothers in crime, well, they were all over this. They held me through everything. Our late night chillages, their late night sleep overs, our basketball days with everyone around the neighborhood, their sleep ins on my bed and our late night Halo 3 multiplayer fights with everyone while we were consciously intoxicated by our subconscious minds. They were there, no matter what. Committed through a bond that we share and the vows that we took, we are brothers. My God, oh how I thankful I am for their presence.

And yet another, break up.

It was the same numbing pain that I had just quite a while with my arm, but harsher and more painful. That day involved me spending time with my new friends in my neighborhood. An amazing day, despite the quite painful event. A good day playing both basketball and football, just relaxing the mind and taking the day an ease through.

And the day after, she asked me out.

My days involved continuous visitations to see the wife, everyday distress with financial trouble, continuous visitations from the boys, staying up until 5, every now and then CSI and Criminal Minds marathon and enjoying the presence of constant nagging from my parents.

My family has always been there. Throughout this whole summer, I think I've brought them enough trouble to last their lifetimes. And I do love them but sometimes, I can't stand them. And I know they feel the same way. My sister once caused me a garbage truck filled with stress and pain only to look out for me. My mom whom I love for always being there, regardless of what is happening though my patience for her troublesome nagging is starting to deteriorate. My little brother who is very annoying and very troublesome yet holds the brightest of the future. My dad who I will not understand and neither will he understand me, who does not really know who I am or even, believes in who or what I want to be. It's alright. I think I understand what I can not understand. I thank God for having these and having to experience these moments this summer.

And then, the last week of summer comes.

Jeez. To those people that I have not seen this whole summer, I ask for your forgiveness. I miss you all. I love you and I thank you for always being there regardless of my disappearance. I enjoy your support and your caring for me. I love you all and you will always have a special place in my heart. I hope to see you when school starts.

Marcus, Everest, Voydie, I miss you guys. A lot <3
Dia, I have yet to see you.

But my nights have been sleepless.
A zombie sleeping, only for the point of closing my eyes and letting the time pass by.

Why?

I think the same reason why my left arm has gone numb on me this whole day, giving me an aching nerve near my shoulders and elbow.

Stress. Stress about my last year of school. The high expectations of myself for myself, the 100%-given no-slack hard-work attitude, the fear of failing the given expectations and goals, the future that beholds unlimited possibilities and Waterloo.

Yes, I am scared. I am scared to fail me, I am scared to fail my family and I am scared to fail her.

And the only thing that I can do is trust. Trust in myself and trust in God.
It's easier said than done. But I'd have to cope with it.

My prayer before I sleep tonight.

Oh Lord, if you're listening. I thank you for everyone that is around me, here to help me understand, learn and grow. To guide me as a person and build me as a human being. Thank you for every moment of this summer, the blessings, guidance and the strengths to deal with everything. I'd like to ask forgiveness for my idiotness, for my offenses and my short-comings. I'd like to ask forgiveness for the times that I have given up on myself, on other people and on you. I ask forgiveness for being stupid. My God, oh my loving God, you are great and I ask that you may take care of me and guide me for I am in stress. Take care of everyone that I know and bless them. God, I'd like to trust in you, my life and my soul and the days of my life. I ask for Tita Corazon Sanchez' and my grandparents' souls to rest in peace and may you guide their soul to heaven and eternal rest. I ask for y our love, oh Lord God.


Summer '09. What an unbelievable summer has it been.

Boo.

I love how I only write here when I need someone to talk to.
I guess, I need to talk.

Let's talk, why won't we? Cause, my words have been suppressed in, way too much lately.

Doc: Hi John.
Me: Doc, I have a problem. We need to talk.
Doc: How are you feeling?
Me: Awful. This feeling is ridiculous. You know, I hate hurting her over and over again, as if my presence and me not letting her move on, is just hurting her more.
Doc: Is there something that you can do?
Me: Other than, just taking it all in and doing my best to make this work all over again, no, nothing really.
Doc: Maybe, you should give her some time.
Me: I know. It just, I guess it kills me to know that I have hurt her again because I'm stupid.
Doc: You're not stupid.
Me: But, I make petty mistakes.
Doc: Yes you do. No one is perfect, but that doesn't make you stupid.
Me: That's true. I guess I should stop telling myself that I am stupid.
Doc: Yeah, start with that at least.
Me: Okay. I'm not stupid. But I hate hurting her, doc. What do I do?
Doc: Well, you're getting better now with handling things right?
Me: Yeah, I guess so. Now that I realized where I actually stand, then yes, I know that I'll be making things work.
Doc: Okay, then, just give it some time to let things fall down into their places. Things will work out. Things just work out, don't they?
Me: Yeah, they do. With me and her, everything works out perfectly despite how bad things get.
Doc: See? Ain't that a sign enough? Because, I can tell you, not every couple can do that. I mean, A year and six months, not counting the months you were apart, is a long time. No one even thought you guys will last this long. No one even though you'd actually spend this much time to make this work. Seriously, you didn't even want to move a finger the moment you got taken.
Me: Yeah, I know. I didn't think that I'd work my ass off right after that painful relationship with whatsherface.
Doc: See. And now, you just have to polish things up right? Make things better. Make them the way they should be and the way they are. All you gotta do is give it some time. Give her some time to cool things down.
Me: But doc, you and I know how I am. I don't have the patience.
Doc: Stop giving yourself such a hard time. You have all that is needed, and if anything, more than what is needed. You're dumbing yourself down. That's not right. You're an amazing guy who went through all this hassle, all through this hurt and pain, and all through the bullshit of just getting her back, just the fights, or even just the weeks that have passed. And you have all that to make things work with her now. You love her don't you?
Me: Yes, with all my heart, I do.
Doc: Then, hang on. Pray. Pray for patience, pray for help, and just pray.

Thanks doc.

Wow. What the hell.

What the hell kind of dream was that.
It was like, a dream straight to the detail.
Freaking.. scary as fuck.

I'm actually like.. shaking out of terror right now.

Wood.

As hard as a wood, that's what they said about how hard my head would.
Be, as I walk down the streets of loneliness and foolishly, me.
See, I am going crazy, emotionally attached to the thought of you.
A gut feeling and little signs that I believe and bet my whole life to.
I believe in you and me. And how much do you ask?
Well, let's see. As stubborn as your head is when we're dealing a task.
As much as the sacrifices we've ever made just to make this last.
And I will make my stand, right now.
As hard as it can go, and as much as it will show.
Between you and me, I so love you more.
Maybe you can't understand that, and you will push me away like a fatass.
But I do, and that is true, beneath the lies of the world and overreactions that we both throw on each other, only to realize that we just want each other's attention.
No, I will not put myself in a detention.
To what? Stop myself and act like I have no intentions?
Of getting you back that is, because I can't seem to lose my bliss.
I know you'd like to forget this, but please.
Don't force yourself into the loneliness that we already put ourselves through once.
I know we mesh better than the black guy and the white girl in save the last dance.
One glance of your eyes and you put me in a state of trance.
I'm like, that number one fan of your's that stand out in the midst of a whole bleachers of fans.
With all that glitters right on the side. I'm telling you, I'm real bonafide, ready to die and ride.
Besides, what can I do when I drown from the thoughts of you, over flowing in my mind like a high-tide?

Jeez. What have I done to myself? I don't even write like this.

My Little Excuse.

What's my excuse this time?
Hmm.
Things has been bad.
She can't remember me.

I'd talk to her and she wouldn't hear me out.
Why don't you remember me?
I know, for the past month, that was all a miracle.
The doctors said that it was never supposed to happen.
They said it was basically impossible for that to ever happen anyway.

But you were there. You remembered me.. for a whole month.
You knew who I was. Knew my name, knew who we were.
And just like that, this disease took you away from me and the little time that we shared, now seems like forever to think of.

Why? Why does this have to happen to me?
I ask myself, why does this have to happen to me? What have I done wrong..?
The doctors are telling me to give up.
Just give up..

And I tell them otherwise, I can't.
I can't give up. I love her way too much.
And they reply with the most heart-breaking responses, but I knew that these were coming.
There just telling me the facts. Besides, they're scientists afterall, they know a lot about facts.
"It's not worth it, Mr. D. Yeah, maybe, she did come back, from an impossible state, but look, she's gone away. Are you willing to put up through this again?"

What's my excuse this time? I have none.
All I can think of was the pain that I feel. I should give up right? Even the doctors said so.
But if I did, then I'd be.

Stupid.

God should damn me if I were to let go.

"I've beaten her Alzheimer's. Yeah, I've seen the impossible happen and the impossible slip away from me once more. Just like any other day and every other day. But I can't let her go. I love her. I'll beat the disease over and over again . Every day, harder than ever. I will beat it. Where she is, is my home. I love her."

-- Because it's the only thing that I know.

And as I hold on to my rosary, I just pray.
God guide me today.

I guess, I'll be reading our story once again. "The Notebook"

Boo.

What my decision is will prove nothing else but how much of an idiot I am.

Why.

It takes two.

What? Really?

I'm being hated for this?
What now? Because I'd like to go through this again, you're hating me?
What the hell. I know you're only looking out for me and I know you probably think that I'm going to go through hell, once more just for a girl that you think, I should not even spend my time on due to the past. Alright. I get you.

But get me.
I'm doing this because I want to. It might be incredible stupendously stupid but I want to. I want to go through this not because I'm stupid and that I don't know what's right and wrong. I know it's going to hurt me a lot again. I know it's going to take my time. I know I'll have to go through hell. And most of all, I know that this is ridiculously wack. But don't you get how much I want this? This much. That I'm willing to go through hell and back one more time without expecting anything back, just so I can try once more. That's how much I want this.

My Love Story.

It's always been like this right?
We started off with a smile on your face, on the same day, with tears in your eyes.
That was how we started.

You saw your fault.
But did I see mine?

They said it was my fault for getting in this.
He said, "You know how she is. Let her cool off."
And he's right. I do know how she is. She overreacts a lot about every single thing.

I remember, one time, she got so cheesed that I thought about taking in my ex's baby if she was pregnant, since she wanted to have an abortion and I was only there to save the child. She yelled at me over and over again. She wouldn't stop despite the fact that I tried to explain why. Even then, that was my fault, because I didn't even think of her, right..?

And well, breaking up on her two hours before her birthday was pretty stupid too. Because, she thought about what I think yet still wanted to go and move. What was I supposed to feel? I felt pissed off. The person who was there behind her back through shit and out of nowhere, she'd want to leave me. I felt like shit. I overreacted. So true.

We both overreact, don't we? But this means nothing to me. The pain, the heartache, the tears, the bullshit, it means nothing to me. I can say about more things, those times when I'd get pissed that you'd call someone else for help while staying in my house while I try to help you and you'd be happy talkin' to that person and not with me, despite the fact that I just argued with my parents just to take you in? Or how about those times when you'd get pissed at me for the times that I was being stupid.. I'd actually pick one but I couldn't make up my mind which to put. Yeah, there was so much of my bullshit. Or how about the times when I'd go through shit with your mom, with my mom, with your parents and my parents?

I thought about it. Why do I stick through this? Why do I stay with you?

You asked me why I love you? I love you because you make me happy. I love you because you're the definition of my happiness, which is why I tried to get you back after three months, despite the fact that it was almost impossible. When I wake up, I wake up thinking to myself about the shit I went through just to get back with you, and how I shouldn't take you for granted and waste this chance that I have. Before I go to sleep, I think about how and what we'll do tomorow, how we'll be, if we'll get better and better. Yeah, I look so obssessed. I'm not, I promise. I go through your shit and your parents' shit and my parents' shit for the fact that I love you that much. I'm always excited to see you. I can't sleep at night before I mission to see you because I'm always thinking of what we'll do that day and how we get to chill and whatnot and in return, I end up falling asleep on the subway and on the bus. You don't get it yet? Okay. Because of you, I started praying again. So do you get it yet? Okay, how about this. I love you because you're as amazing as it can get. You push me off the edge everytime you get pissed and over react about little things. You push me to get better and better and better.

Do you get it yet?

I can never get comfortable with you. Never.
And it's the best feeling ever since you know how I am when I get comfortable.
Thats why I can never take you for granted.

But do you know what you got?
You got a stupid douchebag who makes mistakes, who doesn't know what he wants rather than what we have, who is so idiot that you just laugh at how stupid he is, who is so cheesy, so obsessive, and so fucking ridiculous because his gotdamn arguments are as stupid as it can get. You got a guy TRIES to listen to you, tries to hear you out, and just tries his best to make it all better by explaining to you the shit that happened, but that's not what you wann hear. You got a guy who doesn't know what you wann hear when you fight. You got a guy who chokes everytime you fight.

Yeah, that's what you got.. or that's what you think you got.

You got a guy who knows exactly how to treat you. Despite his stupidity, he knows what you are and who you are and that things will work out despite how stupid the shit is and how complicated it is. A guy who tries to listen to you everytime you fight, and does not even try to defend himself, but rather, just tries to explain what's happening. A guy who knows that we both over react about nothing and takes in your harshest words. His patience for you is unlimited and will deal with you no matter how hard the situation is. A guy who will be right beside you despite the fact that everyone's already telling him to leave, including his family.

Things have changed.
My promises, I've kept them. Things WILL be different, and they have been. But sometimes, we have misunderstandings, and I'll be making mistakes.

That's 'Ang Love Story Ko'. That's how I am and the story of my life for the past year. And hopefully, many more years to come.

July 1st 2009

Number one.
Oh I love this feeling.
To have my number right back.

Thank you Lord God, for this time.
For this chance, and for this moment in my life.
:)

Love you fam.

And I got you, everyday of the week.

Keep being amazing, self :)

It's different, this time.

I think it'll be stupid in my part, if I were to stop now.
More to that, it would've been extremely idiotic if I were to be brought down now.
I got it this far, thanks to Him.
I think I'll have to be one-sided-boob-brained-idiotic-tard if I were to not deal with it, let this go and be a fuck ass.

I'm a Champion.
A walking expertise in what I do.
I will not back down and I will aim higher.
I will beat myself totally until this day will no longer seem like just any other day.
But everyday, instead will be another day to bring amazing to another level.
For everything I have said, I have followed through.
And I will make sure that this will be different.
I will make it happen, in His permission.
Things will change. Prayers move mountains. God changes people.
And I, as an instrument of God, will change things, people and move mountains.
Because I believe that this is all worth the trouble.

It will happen, just like everything else, in His permission.
I believe in you. I believe in Him. I believe in me.
I believe in us. I believe in my family. I believe in my bros.
I believe.

Almsot there.

Everything is paying off now.
And I'm just happy, that it was all worth the wait.

Nise. I cee wat u did thar.

So, they all go, "What happened to you? Can you stop the emo posts?"
And I go, "Yes I can. But do I want to stop? :)"
Then they all went, "I don't know. It's tiring reading the same shit over and over again."
So I'm all like, "Okay, fine !"

So how about this.
Your mom ! LOL !

I am so loafting on life, it's not even funny.
I think I should be sued for loafting WAY too much.
The funny thing is, I'm loafting on SOMETHING stupid ahaha

Okay, so what's next? Are you in or out?

Me No Comprende.

Okay, so this is something I realized a while back.
And the weird thing about this is that, this keeps me from moving on.
How about this, I'm always on the verge of giving up.
And at the time that I do want to give up, good things happen that keeps me around.
The weird thing about it is that, it didn't happen once, or twice or three times but it happened about 5 times now.
I think I'm not supposed to give up on her.

Thank You God.
I'm getting my haircut today :D

I'm TIRED !

Fuckin' exhausted with life.
Somehow, not really.
But, I don't wann be here right now. I'd rather be.. somewhere far away where people that matter enjoy themselves near the beach while drinking Pina Colada.

Hail Holy Queen.

Mother of Mercy.
Hail of our life and of our sweetness and of our hope.
To you do we cry, poor banished children of eve.
To you do we send out our cries.
Mourning and weeping in your valley of tears.
Turn then most gracious advocate.
Thy eyes of mercy towards us, and after this our exile.
Show unto us the blessed fruit of your womb Jesus Christ.
Oh clement, Oh loving, Oh sweet Virgin Mary.

Lead.

To lead.
And I seem to have failed that one just today.
Oh man.
How today made me realize.
Words are just words. Actions are just actions.
They're also called illusions when meant without passion.

It's getting harder and harder by the moment. No lie.

Best I've Ever Had

"You're my MJ, you're my jump man
You make my heart jump, man."
- superEGOtron

Sorry, I just had to complete the circle.
Angelo told me a funny story right when I woke up and then, Immanuel told me a funny story right when I got on facebook. Then God told me a good story, through my Horoscope? LOL ! So I just had to bring in Marcus :) It's going to be a great day. Actually scratch that, it's going to be A GREAT WEEK !! :)

Love you <3
That was for Marcus, Immanuel, Angelo and God :D

Boo... YEAH !

Well, today was unexpectedly charming.
The Egotistic Productions founders got together today in Starbucks to discuss our upcoming projects and how it's all going down.
One thing is for sure though, there WILL BE a CAST PARTY at MY HOUSE on SATURDAY, JUNE 20th, 2009. It's A MUST TO BE THERE, FOR ALL THE CAST.

I think I have informed everyone of who's going to be in the video. And I doubt I've informed you of your role since we just talked about the roles today. The sets and such are almost done.

Oh yes, note to self: I need to get those permits done.

This is going to be SO BOMB.

On top of that, today was pretty nice. Nice conversations with people, I guess. But I can not be content with what I got now. I gotta keep fighting and striving for the best. Why? Because champions don't settle down for something that's less than the best. They go for the BEST THING. And I think I know what the best thing is, in this case. Therefore, I do think that I will keep on striving to achieve that greatness that I feel the need to go for. Of course, all done in God's time and God's will. Godspeed. Patience is a virtue. Hail Holy Queen.

Anywho, I shall go sleep now.
Good night :D

Another One.

One more.
I think we've both lost what our eye on the prize.
Here, let me help you get up.
Realize a few things.
Most of all, realize that you can be doing better.
Do not let it get to you.
You know that.
C'mon now, these are all easy shit.
Don't get carried away.
Yeah, okay, so there are times when you do feel like bullshit, but c'mon, you're an amazing kid.
Regardless of what's going to happen, at the end of it all, you're going to have something worth spending that much time for.
Remember, He said yes. He pushed you here. He brought you here. This is what He wants.
So yes, you're going to go through a lot. You have to carry it all. I know that.
But you're not alone. I am here for you. Anytime, everytime. I'll help you through it.
Every step of it, every moment of it and together, we will conquer the oppression.
Remember, we're Champions !
Champions do not give up, they do not lose. Champions make sure that everything else around will be obsolete.
We will stand tall, walk with pride and be in glory. We will keep standing.
Watch us.

There's always an exception to the rule.
And that's me.
I will prove this shit to you

12:06 PM

The nights are long.
And somehow, the day was too.
It wasn't a good day.
Nor was it, a great day.
It was less of an amazing day, but it was alright.
I have a feeling that I'm just about to endure quite a lot in the next few days.
I hope this will get better.

-- Edit

Somehow, seriously, God has His way of making me feel better.
I dont know why he does it though.
And why not just let me, get on with my life already.
But..
I was looking through google for the randomest things.
So I typed in "advice"

And I saw this: http://lifefromthetoaster.blogspot.com/2007/11/advice-for-today.html
And I shall quote a few things that I actually enjoyed reading:

"Have faith, but remember that faith makes things possible, not easy. Failure only happens when you fail to try."

"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself."

"If the going gets tough, never stop, just shift down and keep moving and remember there is always someone, somewhere, fighting a similar battle or worse."

"In all things trust the Lord."

Oh Lord, why do you do this?

Finals.

This is the finals.
The score? 2-0.
You're the Lakers and you're winning.
It took a hell of a job to do so, but you've done it.
Now, you're almost there.
It's not the time to slack off, the championship ring is THAT close.
I know you're tired and I know you're exhausted, but this is not the time to get some rest.
Take a break, a few minutes or so but get back in there as fast as you can.
Keep getting better and better and better.
You have to beat their asses down so hard they wouldn't have wished they lived this day.
It's close enough that you can smell and taste the feeling of being a Champion.
You are JUST THAT CLOSE.
Last year, you lost.
This time, it won't happen again.
Play hard and play tough.
Keep fighting.
At the end of it all, it's going to be worth it.
It won't be all done but at least you're just that much closer.
Another day and another way to be amazing.

Thank God.

Amnesia.

The nights are long and the days seem so short.
Her memory of me is well faded by the ocean stream of unconsciousness and vulnerability.
And another story is yet to come.

Forgetting.

Writer's Block.

I am having a writer's block right now.
Right beside my black brother from another mother.
And he's beside a girl whos looking at random pictures.
I am dying in pain of my head that is hurting.
I think I need some... action.
You know, the action in your life? :)

Love you too <3

You Again?

Kiss me through the phone.
Without Soulja Boy's verses.

Imn: You know why he(Mr. Anthony) mad?
Me: Why?
Imn: He mad cause we have hair !
Me: LOL

Bah, I can't do this yet.
Not just yet.
A little bit more, just a little bit more wait.
Patience is a virtue.
I need to have it.
Just breathe, take a breather.
We're not in the game yet, still sidelined.
Just play your part, keep yourself out.
Stay away as much as possible.
Despite whatever everything is saying, stay out.
Do NOT get in somewhere you don't know if you'll get in for sure.
Just, calm down. Relax. Breathe.
Keep focus.

Def Jam

My very very first poem written in facebook then transferred to blogger.

What's real.

Once I met myself, a little boy down the street of whoknowswhere.
Lost in the middle of the crowd, searching for the meaning of whats real.
Inside the mind of an empty shell that brings the reality of an intellectual.
Hidden beneath the embedded wall of pride, through the society of recklessness
And abundance of abusive reputations, right between the insecure lies
And the mentality of victimized addictions, In front of the population's Chameleon nature; fit in and hide or stand out and die and right below the alleyways of anxiety and the easy negativity of thoughts.
Is the glimpse of what is real. The living truth. The caption is 'The Champion'.
And the legend feel, to stand out without the aggravation of other people's opinions.
The reputation of a god walking through the path of dead consciousness
But only the living egotistical pride of knowing that one is beyond its measure of independence and awesomeness.
To be true to yourself and not let others or anything else bring you below the expected function of one self.

The champion.
Julius Caesar, Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, Picasso, Leonardo Da Vinci.
Next one should be your name.

Wow.

LOL ! I feel so happy.
I'll tell you why.
I had such a mofckin good sleep.
Gawsh, I think that's all that my body has been needing.
A good rest and a good sleep :)

Getting back up and walkin' this shit down.
Watch me.

I will not fail.
I will remain champion.

Overdosage.

I just overdosed, again.
Those kinds that make you wann' stab someone.

But, somehow, Marcus calmed me down.
I guess, because he's fuckin amazing.
And it just somehow, rubbed on me.

But what he said was true.
Worth fighting for.
I already got this far, why would I want to turn back now?
I just.. need to get a bit better.
I'll keep beating myself.

I said that right?
It'll involve a lot of hardwork, heartbreaks and a lot of bullshit.
But, that's what will make me stand above the rest.
Either, I'm really fucking stupid or I'm just that amazing.
I'll pick the latter.

I still wish today was a tad better.
It'll just get worse from here on end.
And well, the stupid one will reign champion.
Are you stupid enough?

Nightmares.

Somehow, I'm getting a big dose of nightmares. Why? I have no idea at all.
I woke up today feeling so startled by the things around me.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling so startled again.
I couldn't even get myself together. I couldn't even sleep properly.
I was scared to sleep. I didn't sleep until.. about 3 or 4 last night.

I am a walking zombie right now.

I can't find the reason why I'm feeling this way.
I think the anxiety of the situation that I'm in is what's making me like this.
My impatience that is embedded deep inside me.
Oh how I can only ask God for some more.
And the fear of losing.
Oh how I can only ask God for some courage.

I was supposed to go to that party today, and I have no idea if I should go or if I should just flake.
I'm feelin' kinda uneasy 'bout my whole day.
But I gotta keep myself together. I gotta keep myself close.
The last few strands of school days, the exams and I'm still trying to get her.

I just need to get this anxiety away from me, for now.

"Do nto angry with me on days I do not remember you, and we both know they will come. "
- Allie

Where will amazing happen this year?

Where will amazing happen this year?
The question that's everyone been asking.
And I've seen amazing happen so many times.

One of 'em in Jameer Nelson's recovery. Amazing.
He is now back playing for the magics.
I love it.

And another one, will be in God's hands.
Without him, I wouldn't have done the miracle-like things that I have been doing.
Without the power of the rosary, I wouldn't have the patience neither the comfort that I have right now.

And one more, will be the people who helped me out with the party from yesterday.
Amazing.

More amazing? Our projects. Egotistic Productions. Amazing.

What else can I say?

Bah.

Bah, this is gay. I wake up feeling shitty and sick. I don't even know why. I feel so exhausted and I don't feel like moving at all. I might not go to school and just stay at home. Depends on what I'm feeling later on when I'm getting ready. I can't afford not go to school... but at the same time, I can't afford to go to school and not listen to anything since my head will be spinning the whole time. Bah, I don't know. It would've been such a waste to go to school. But yeah, I'm dead tired.

I think it's all because of sleeping late last night and all.
And thinking about stuffs.
Stupid thinking.
I swear, why was thinking ever thought of.
It's like reading..

"Why do people read? Why can't they juust speak?!"
LOLOL ! ahahaha

And I'm back to listening to Brown Eyed Blues.
Bah, the whole fam is down. Recession? ahh
Stupid economy.

Anyway, I found a really dope song by Aj Rafael and Marilu Bustamante.
Realize the sarcasm of the song or else you just failed listening to this song LOL

Success !

Yes, thanks for such a successful plan. For the people who came and for the people who helped me carry out this plan. Thank you so much. I would've typed all of your names but it would've been a list. But thank you anyway. You guys are amazing.

I'd like to take this moment though, to thank my one and only, Angelo Lezada. Thanks bruh for good looking out and sticking through with shit. Man, I feel bad that you always pay for my food.. and I always seem to be dragging you around the world. It feels nice though to have a mission buddy. Good things. (Y) Thanks so much. But I'm sorry to tell you... I'm not gay... I know that will break your heart but... I'm so sorry.. :(

And lastly, such a great poet came through my mind. Good words.

'The big pains and sufferings that you have right now are only small sacrifices for tomorrow.'

And I guess so. But overall, at least I still have patience? :) ahaha

Edit-

God help me.
Joshua 1:9

June 2nd, 2008

What can I say? I am amazing. Can't wait.

June First.

Okay. So.

Sleep at 2:00 AM.
Why?
I have no idea at all.
I am now in a state of trance where I have no idea what's happening around me. Fail.
But yeah, s'all goods.
Almost there (Y)

Currently Listening To: Brown Eyed Blues - Adrian Hood
I swear, I've been listening to this song for the past.. 2-5 days now lol
I have no idea why. Kim got me so into it. I think the song came from one of the Madea Movies.

And... yeah, it's officially the first day of June.
Yay for June and the... summer time !
And aiming for my sister's prediction? Lol.
Sometimes, she can predict a lot of things and most of 'em actually comes true.
Scares me.

But yeah, I'm heartless :)

Owned.

First thing and foremost... I have to laugh.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
OMG !!! AHAHAHAHAHAHHA LOOOOOOLLLLEEEERRRRRRRR !!!!
OOOMMFFFGG !!! LOOLLLLL !!! LLMMMFFAAAAOOO !! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH
AAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHHA
AHAH
HAHA
HA...
...
..
.
..
...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!!! LMFAOOOOO !!! OMFGG !! I'M DYING !! LMFAO !!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH !!

Sorry. I need Dia right now to laugh at this with me. But she's at the philippines... -_-' Gay. But I bet if she was here, she'd be laughing at this with me :) I'm so cool ahaha
So, anyway though, Angelo, five, good job (Y) !

Anyway, can't really take the credit for this ownage moment. But thank God ! THANK YOU LORD GOD ! THANK YOU !!! No lie, that's just.. WIN ! :) Love you <3

That's all.

Think like a champion.

No mercy. Kill the opposition, murder his family.
Do not leave anyone alive.
I will divide and conquer.
Break every mentality and rise up to the top.
Prove everyone wrong and be the only one standing.
And when I am at the top, I will not forget the ones that stuck through with me.
The brothers that I treat as my family, and the girls that are neither bitches or idiots.
I will come up as the winner, and the opposition...
Well, what opposition? They'll be left into extinction.
I will walk up the stage and I will get my award.
I will look at the nation that I have conquered.
I will look at my creation that I have invented.
And I will look at your face and see you all demented.
I will prove you wrong and you will see,
I am worthy of the greatest and I will crush the opposition with no mercy.

Well.. that's my new mentality. So, you don't fuck around :)
On the better note, I met four new people today?
3 chicks and 1 dude.
Karl's birthday party was so much fun.
Thank God I didn't miss it <3
Love you Karl :D

Lakers won. Not really that upsetting.

I am obliged to stay around and care. But, I will only stand by from the sidelines. Anything that doesn't kill you, makes you. And I will make sure, that this will make me better than ever.

How about something happy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARL !!!!

So, that's one for my loving man friend ;)
Let's go on a date. I'll buy you cavs ticket, courtside.
I wann see them lose aha.

There it goes again.

Sometimes, the most painful part of your life, is what makes you.
Sometimes, breaks you, but sometimes pushes you on something better.
The nudge that the world gives you, is the nudge that brings you closer to something that you deserve.
Patience, I have. Stupidity, I can and will not stand.

I care. I do care.
But the breaking of the borderline between conscience and personal gain, has only brought me to a lost cause.
Full of anxiety of the future, reminiscing of the past, and the idiotic present.

Now that my mind is analytically sophisticated, I shall say the words that only one has told me.

"Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me. And I will give you rest."
- Jesus

And in Him, I shall trust.
Lead me to the path.

Reminders:

One. Gift.
Two. Live Show Tickets and Showtimes.
Three. Joshua 1:9

One more post for the day? LOL

When I had you to myself
I didnt want you around
Those pretty faces always made you
Stand out in a crowd
Then someone picked you from the bunch
One glance was all it took
Now its much too late for me
To take second look

(chorus)
Oh baby give me one more chance
To show you that I love you
Wont you please send me back in your heart

Oh darlin I was blind to let you go
But now since I see you in his arms
I want you back
Yes I do now
I want you back
Oo oo baby
Yeah yeah....naw....

Trying to live without your love
Is one long sleepless nights
Let me show you girl
That I know wrong from right

Every street you walk on
I leave tear stains on the ground
Following the girl
I didnt even want around
(chorus)

Abuh buh buh buh
All I want!
Abuh buh buh buh
All I need!
Abuh buh buh buh.....

Creativity in Subway

How about the lies and deceit that I have put myself in?
The fantasy that draws me in, and the force of the unknown that pushes me closer.
The lyrical and biblical signs, coincidentally right yet intimately wrong.
Stubbornness of the mind and the anxiety of the future,
Waiting for the breakdown of the borderline that keeps me away from you.
As if, grasping for the moment of heaven inside the mind of intricate pieces.
The peace for thoughts of wandering confusions and collisions
Lacking in the empty shell of a grave man.
Waiting for the right time of a creative intrusion,
Inside the very foundation of her sophistication
And penetrating the deepest part of her secret desires of unsatisfied passion.
Entering carefully in the depths of her cortex and landing the object of explosion.
Through sensual seduction of the thoughts
Going in and out and in and out and in and out of the grey matter
Embedded inside the beauty of her physicality with limitless desire of non-stop perseverance
To achieve the climax of an ecstasy lasting through an unlimited possibilities.
Taking only one of this infinite thoughts and only picking one, me in you.. and your thoughts.

In short, I'd like you with me.
Not, me and her or you and him.
Just, take them both out and keep the ones that matter.
You and I.

Late - Night Rambles.

Fuck niceness.

Reminder reader: I want you back :)

How bad, you ask?

I'm sorry I never had the chance to show this side of mine while we were together.

I didn't want to work hard. Though I did, it was limited.

Now, it's different. And I told you, amazing multiply that by the days of the year. Multiply that again by how much I want you back.
And then multiple how much i'd hate it if I don't end up getting you. And that's how amazing I'll be :)

Joshua 1: 9

Weirdest thing ever.
And I almost shit my pants.

Joshua 1: 9 : "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. "

Oh my gosh. I am about to pass out.

See, I'm not the rule, I'm the exception.
Thanks to Him, He showed me that I am an exception.
I will keep doing this.

Written art work.

So, my reaaders or fans, if I have any, or I seem to imagine so LOL
I think it is time for me to show you guys a written work of art, other than Me, SINematic, and superEGOtron.
I am so enlightened from his presence, no lie.
He is so young, yet his artistic work of art through the mix of written words and letters is just amazing.
And I think you should check his blogspot out.

My black brother from another mother.
David Joseph.
http://djosephinthedream.blogspot.com/
If I say so myself, he is Dream.
His works are like reality intertwined in the stems of fantasy and dream.
It is amazing beyond measure.

Inspires me to write a poem aha.
I shall write one later on? :)

Edited: Written piece

I feel so enlightened by the words thrown out of the proportion.
As I looked up and around, all I see were little bits of portions..
Coincidential, and also analytical in both sides of the pendulum.
A passage I did not see, passage that took me off guard.
Only His words, I have heard ringing through my mind,
As I walked out of the door realizing that my life is on the bloom.
Signs of holy prophecy, I have translated.
From a name that I have tried to forget and a number that only meant one.

Kaboom.

The talks, the walks, the mishaps and the random events that will bring me everywhere.
They're all going to be my road to redemption as I walk this path.

Once again, I'm embarrassed to pull my phantom out.
Sooner than later, I hope I find it.

But I told you, you the fucking best.

And you can get it all.

:)

One more thinking.

What could be at the end of all this?
Could it be the treasure I've kept my eyes on.
Or will this road bring me to a different route?

Either way, I do hope that what's at the end of all this is worth the trouble.
If I could fix a computer, I wonder whatelse I can fix :)

Boost.

So, here's a funny thing. I thought to myself of how stupid this is, and I realized.
Im fucking amazing.
I fixed my computer !!
Let me say that again, I, JOHN DE GUZMAN, FIXED MY GOT DAMN COMPUTER !
Actually, this deserves my full name.
I, JOHN LEONARD CRISOSTOMO DE GUZMAN, FIXED MY COMPUTER !!
Yes, I !
Not YOU, or u, or some chinese way of saying you
It could be your last name or something.
But yeuh, I wann go home now.. and just get on my computer... LMAO

So on a better happier note, Snucks is back in business. Full time.
Anything and everything, I am here for you ;)

Anyone you need stalking, creepin on to, or just finding out shit. I am here for you :D
Call me ;) LOL 416 551 7983

Keep being amazing, self :)

Bamboozle.

Special words in the time of downfall.

I was thinking about this. If I were given a chance to change the way I acted or did things, I actually would. For the first time in my life, I am having regrets of the way that I acted. But somehow, I had to learn it the hard way.

Let me explain it from the start.
We weren't fond of each other, but we were close. We didn't like each other very well, but we did love each other.

We weren't similar in any way at all. We were different from each other, the exact opposite. She doesn't read, and I on the other hand, is close to a bookworm. She doesn't enjoy getting out and chilling by the beach or such and I do. And up until this point, I can't find any similarity that we had. Well, one, the fact that we wanted to work the relationship out. Despite these differences, we still enjoyed each other's company. Wait, we loved each other's company. Well, I still do.

And as I think back for something that I can do to get her back, I can't seem to find anything that would've made me stand out as a guy. Who was I? I was only a guy, whom, she talked to. A sweet guy, perhaps? I was there when she needed someone to lean on. I was just, that guy that actually wanted to listen to her. For all who knows, I was just a rebound. But I was there for her. And regardless of how we ended up with each other, I still took good care of her, with the very best of my ability.

I got to admit, I did feel exhausted, quite a few times. Somewhere in the beginning and somewhere in the end of the relationship. It was a lot of hard work for her and I.

But who was I before this? I was the player, and the guy who didn't take any girl seriously. And look at me, going crazy over a girl, an ex girl to make it worse. I don't run back to any of my ex girlfriends. I prove them wrong by going out with a better girl. I did go out with a few girls, though, not really "taking it seriously", but still tried to make it work and be the best man that I am. Don't get me wrong though, I still flirted behind their back, only due to the fact that I was a natural flirt. But it was different with her, I guess. I took her seriously, and did not see or talk to any other girl out there. On top of that, dropped any friend that I had whom wanted to talk to me. I basically held myself back to keep myself faithful and cut lose with any connection that I had with the world out there.

Blah, so where am I at right now?
The amazing karma kicking me in the ass. I'm in the position of A girl, that I broke up with, after about.. 10 months. She wanted me back, bad. To the eyes of other, I played her, right after we broke up. I, on the other hand, was just real confused with my feelings. But, I didn't do what an ex should've done in the first place, leave and do not deceive. Somehow, I'm in that situation.

So why did it take me about three months to realize what I wanted?
It took me so long to realize all this because I had to learn what I was missing, the passion. Now, the relationship got frustrating and exhausting. For every moment we see each other, one of us seem to be so exhausted with the way that we were going on. I guess, it was due to the fact that we both lived so far from each other. This kinda took me off guard and somehow, took her for granted. So, I had to get away. I had to find what I was missing. Was it just the phisicality? Sexual? Or was it the real passion behind it? The whole 2-3 months that I was gone in her life, I had some soul searching. Quite a few times, the soul searching involved some alcohol, sometimes some cigarettes and sometimes some other people involved. Yes, I tried to get over her. I tried talking to other girls, and even girls who wanted to go out wiht me before. But it was just.. different. It wasn't the same thing. My definition of "liking someone" became, "I like your company and I'm tryna get over someone, so I guess I like you". And it wasn't real. But these people actually helped me out realize what I was missing. I could have the best thing in the world, actually find the better girl out there just to prove her wrong, and have the best time in my life but it wouldn't have been the same thing.

Here's what everyone's been telling me:
"Why settle for the 70%? Why not settle for the 100%?"
"I can find someone better, but is he what I really want? I don't think so. I still want him anyway."
"The girl that got away."
"The girl that actually cares."

And 'that girl' could've been any other girl out there. But somehow, her thought is the first thing that came to my mind. What I'm missing is our passion, our joys, our highs, our laughters, our fights, our pain, our shit.

So where is she now?
Well, she is happily taken, i guess. So I've heard quite a few good things about them . She seems so happy about it. And we're talkin', friends, I guess.

So whats the problem?
Here it goes. I want her back, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend. She doesn't feel the same way for me anymore. So I'm stuck. I don't want to be those little kids that go, "I WANT HIM BACK !!! HE IS SO MY FUCKIN LIFE !! HE TOOK A PIECE OF ME, AND OMFG, I AM SO HEART BROKEN :(, LIKE 012909 FOREVER !!!!". Hate those little idiots. But, I guess, its time for me to actually swallow my pride and let it all out.

So here it goes, if you're reading this.
I know you probably wann hear every thought of my mind, but sadly, I am not anywhere near you right now. You're not on either. So, I can not tell you the exact feeling that I feel. But hey, just read this. Look, I do want you back, bad. I want you back badly enough that if your boyfriend decides to beat me up at the end of all this, then that would be okay for me. I can live my life without you, you are not my life. I don't need you in my life either. You are not the oxygen tank of my life. You are not a necessity, or rather something to keep me alive. You are not the best girl out there, and I can find a better girl. But for the past few weeks, I realized that despite all that, I want you. I want you despite the fights, the arguements, the frustrations and the exhaustion. I want you despite the fact that there's a better girl out there waiting to be seized by me, but I won't because you're the one that I want and not her. I want you despite the fact that I look like an idiot running back to an ex girlfriend who won't change her mind after all this, yet still trying anyway. I want you back despite the fact that it hurts me a lot because it seemed that I was a little too late, and waited way too long. And I will fight for you, despite the fact that I am acting like an idiot, because I now know the reason why to fight for something you love. I may be 17 and young, but I'd still like to try. See? I'm crazy over you. I don't know why but I am. I don't expect you to just talk to me and go, "omfg, I want you back too !!". I'm expecting work harder on this one. I'd just.. like to make things right. I don't think everything just died out because we broke up. But I do think that.. I'd treat you way better. If you thought I was amazing, I'd be more than that, every single day. Because, I'd like to beat the best guy you've ever went out with. I'd like to beat him and make it seem like he's an idiot. I'd like to kick his ass with super dooper kamehameha. I'd like to make it seem like his existence is retarded. I'd like to make him look like a punk for taking you for granted, despite the fact that your best one is me. And I can tell you this right now, straight up to your face. I AM BETTER THAN YOUR BEST ONE.

Well then, now you know everything. Whatelse would you like to know?

As Promised

My day was very interesting.
Weh, what can I say?

My sweet misery.
The thought of pain and love all at the same time.
I have no idea what to say.
I feel like an idiot.
Yet, I feel so.. happy and satisfied.

My sweet misery, oh, my loving hate.
I don't even know where I'm at right now.
At the end of the day, I am just that next guy, rather that ex guy.
Though, my blind hope, rather, the weakness of my brain cells,
still keeps me going through, I guess.
And obviously, her.. and what she said, just keeps me going on with all this.
There's stil a lot of work to be done
And I will not back down, I do want this all back.

And at the very end, all that I can say is, I am sorry for the ones that will find my actions both rude and irresponsible.
For the ones that I will hurt and for the ones that I will end up ignoring, I am sorry.

Oh brawling love, Oh loving hate, Oh this sweet misery of fictional facts.

Keep being amazing, grave man :)

Today.

Today is the day that the Lord has made.
Let us rejoice and be glad.

Blah, today is going to be almost as interesting as Tuesday.

Sooner than later.

The girl or the world.
You see, someone got to lose.
I thought I could have it all.
Do I really got to choose?
What good is all the cash if it doesn't buy time.
And what good is being famous if I'm never on your mind.
Nights falling, lights glowing, and I'm just trying to pay the price on.
And I don't want to feel uncomfortable from my ice-shine.
And I aint trying to be without you at the right moments.
Nigga, nice going.
Is it worth it, that decision cause hearts breaking.
I ain't trying to be in that collision.
So I'ma dust my shirt and fix my pants.
Cause I better look good if this is my chance, I swear.

So can you do me a favor if I pull it together.
Make it sooner than later, we won't be here forever.
And I realize I waited too long but please don't move on.
You don't need no one else (No one else)
You don't need no one else, you don't need no one else.
You don't need no one else (Oh oh oh)
You don't need no one else.

Open up.

What would I do?

What would I do without you?
See, I was stupid from running away from this.
I thought I could leave all these concepts behind
Yet somehow, with a glimpse of your image,
I was back entrapped in the thoughts of you.
I was improper and did not realize the pieces that I was missing.
It was you.
The one and only, intimately realistic passion and goal.

You complete the other side of me.
The side of nothingness in my deep blackhole since you've been gone.
The side of intentions with actions that I am only willing to show you.

For, what would I do without the pain that I feel when I am not with you?
What would I do without the misery, when I talk to you before you sleep,
knowing that you are not mine?
And if I I can push the boundaries aside, erase all the letters and put the letters you and I closer, then I would.
If I had the chance to open up the universe, create a wormhole and go back in time when I see you ever moment, then I would.


Allie..
"Do not get mad at me, for the times that I forget about you. And we both know that it will happen."

Keep being amazing, self :)

I have't updated this for so long..

Hello readers ! How are you all doing? :)
I'm pretty.. disappointed and cheesed..
And I feel... really really.. uhg about a few things.

One of them being, a loss of a great person.
A person, whom I didn't have the chance to get to know that well, but still made a good impact in my life. She was my idol. I found her.. amazing beyond measure. Amazingness that cuts through the galaxy. It is amazingness beyond words can explain.

May you rest in peace..
And you will be greatly missed.

With that being said, I hope you enjoy the blessing and greatness of God.

On the better note,

I am still up on casting. And with this video, comes a film that I hope you all will enjoy. It'll be amazing. So people who wants to be in this film, my readers, fans or stalkers, you can call me. Seriously. 416 551 7983.

And oh, eighteen?
Yeah, thats a date to remember.
Note to self: Remember the number 18 :)

Keep being amazing, self :)

For Weekend - Day One

Hi guys ! So, here's a little story.
I am at home, doing what? Well, nothing.
Do you guys want to hear a story? Yes? :)
Alright

So, I've been at home, doin' nothing, right?
Well, I've been talking to a few people, that I thought I was interested with.
I've had... about 4 or 5, including the past.

K, story number one: Past.
Everything has been doing well, I guess.
We've been way better than what we were, that I can assure.

Number two: I was supposed to have a random visitor last night.
Damnit, but yeah, it dint happen cause she got lazy
S'all good

Number three: Spellcheck.
I think you like me? :

Anyway, I'll be in sauga next saturday looking for casts for our upcoming video.
Do tell me if you want to get in this video, 416 551 7983.
Link meh :D

One last thing.
The most consistent thing in life is change. Either we accept change or resist change. Either way, we still cope with change.

Keep being amazing, self :)

Another Project: Casting

Whatsup guys? let me take a break from my stupid rants and ramblings.

Let me tell you about the Egotistic Production's upcoming project.
We are creating a film.
I shall not say what it is.
But we're in casting phase right now.
Since I'm the one in charge of casting, and I'm supposed to be looking for 1983901283901 many people/girls, I need to know who is interested.

This is going to be a pretty nice film and you should hit me up on facebook if you are interested.
Faceboook me - John De Guzman

And you could be one of my stalkers who "add me because their friend thinks I'm cute". Bullshit :) I've had one of those last week/this week lmfao

Anyway, hit me up if you want to be in this film. It's not porno, don't worry.
And preferably, you're a girl, and not a guy..
Then again... LOOOL
Oh, one more thing, preferably, you're a real person and not imaginary. My imaginary girlfriend just said she wanted to be in it. LOL !

AND NO LITTLE KIDS..........
..
...
.....

I swear... that was one of the hardest things to say ... :| LOOL

Anyway, casting phase, be in it. It'll be bomb, and it'll go far.
I'll be around, looking for people, hit me up real soon.
And hope you enjoy the long weekend, only for Canadians LOL :)

And I'll be writing a poem after this post so... read :D

Keep being amazing, self :)

We Made You.

First, shout out to Eminem's new album even though a few people think that his reputation is going down with his tracks, I still find it pretty dope. Relapse, cop it off. May 19th.

Anyway, this is my two-page poetry/letters/stories for what?
Everything.
But since I can't write my own "feelings", I shall copy some from Nicholas Sparks and Walt Whitman.

"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. And maybe each time, we've been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this good-bye is both a good-bye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come. When I look at you, I see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. And I know I have spent every life before this one searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. And then, for a reason neither of us understands, we've been forced to say good-bye. I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and I promise to do all I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly good-bye, I know we will see each other again in another life. We will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we've had before."

***

I ne'er was struck before that hour
With love so sudden and so sweet,
Her face it bloomed like a sweet flower
And stole my heart away complete.

***

"My dearest,
I don't know what to say anymore except that I couldn't sleep last night because I knew that it is over between us. It is a different feeling for me, one that I never expected, but looking back, I suppose it couldn't have ended another way. You and I were different. We came from different worlds, and yet you were the one who taught me the value of love. you showed me what it was like to care for another, and I am a better man because of it. I don't want you to ever forget that. I am not bitter because of what has happened. On the contrary. I am secure in knowing that what we had was real, and I am knowing that what we had was real, and I am happy we were able to come together for even a short period of time. And if, in some distant place in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy, and remember how we spent a summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. And maybe, for a brief moment, you'll feel it too, and you'll smile back, and savor the memories we will always share together. I love you."

***

Be composed -- be at ease with me ...
Not till the sun excludes you do I exclude you,
Not till the waters refuse to glisten for you
and the leaves to rustle for you, do my
words refuse to glisten and rustle for you.

***

Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost.
No birth, identity, form -- no object of the world,
Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;...
The body, sluggish, aged, cold -- the embers left from earlier fires,
... shall duly flame again.

***

No drowning man can know which drop of water
his last breath did stop;

***

When I see you now -- moving slowly with new life growing inside you -- I hope you know how much you mean to me, and how special this year has been. No man is mroe blessed than me, and I love you with all my heart.

***

I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, every day we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be your's. And, my darling, you will always be mine.

***

Please don't be angry with me on days I do not remember you, and we both know they will come. Know that I love you, that I always will and that no matter what happens, know I have led the greatest life possible. My life with you.

***

Love, in these last and tender hours
is sensitive and very pure
Come morning light with soft-lit powers
to awaken love that's ever sure.

***

The body slows with mortal ache, yet my promise
remains true at the closing of our days,
A tender touch that ends with a kiss
will awaken love in joyous ways.

***

Our souls were one, if you must know
and never shall they be apart;
With splendid dawn, your face aglow
I reach for you and find my heart

***

And I thought the movie was the best. I swear, the book is way better. I love it. The Notebook owns. I think I've realized what I'm going to do and what I'm supposed to do.

Keep being amazing, self :)