Bamboozle.

Special words in the time of downfall.

I was thinking about this. If I were given a chance to change the way I acted or did things, I actually would. For the first time in my life, I am having regrets of the way that I acted. But somehow, I had to learn it the hard way.

Let me explain it from the start.
We weren't fond of each other, but we were close. We didn't like each other very well, but we did love each other.

We weren't similar in any way at all. We were different from each other, the exact opposite. She doesn't read, and I on the other hand, is close to a bookworm. She doesn't enjoy getting out and chilling by the beach or such and I do. And up until this point, I can't find any similarity that we had. Well, one, the fact that we wanted to work the relationship out. Despite these differences, we still enjoyed each other's company. Wait, we loved each other's company. Well, I still do.

And as I think back for something that I can do to get her back, I can't seem to find anything that would've made me stand out as a guy. Who was I? I was only a guy, whom, she talked to. A sweet guy, perhaps? I was there when she needed someone to lean on. I was just, that guy that actually wanted to listen to her. For all who knows, I was just a rebound. But I was there for her. And regardless of how we ended up with each other, I still took good care of her, with the very best of my ability.

I got to admit, I did feel exhausted, quite a few times. Somewhere in the beginning and somewhere in the end of the relationship. It was a lot of hard work for her and I.

But who was I before this? I was the player, and the guy who didn't take any girl seriously. And look at me, going crazy over a girl, an ex girl to make it worse. I don't run back to any of my ex girlfriends. I prove them wrong by going out with a better girl. I did go out with a few girls, though, not really "taking it seriously", but still tried to make it work and be the best man that I am. Don't get me wrong though, I still flirted behind their back, only due to the fact that I was a natural flirt. But it was different with her, I guess. I took her seriously, and did not see or talk to any other girl out there. On top of that, dropped any friend that I had whom wanted to talk to me. I basically held myself back to keep myself faithful and cut lose with any connection that I had with the world out there.

Blah, so where am I at right now?
The amazing karma kicking me in the ass. I'm in the position of A girl, that I broke up with, after about.. 10 months. She wanted me back, bad. To the eyes of other, I played her, right after we broke up. I, on the other hand, was just real confused with my feelings. But, I didn't do what an ex should've done in the first place, leave and do not deceive. Somehow, I'm in that situation.

So why did it take me about three months to realize what I wanted?
It took me so long to realize all this because I had to learn what I was missing, the passion. Now, the relationship got frustrating and exhausting. For every moment we see each other, one of us seem to be so exhausted with the way that we were going on. I guess, it was due to the fact that we both lived so far from each other. This kinda took me off guard and somehow, took her for granted. So, I had to get away. I had to find what I was missing. Was it just the phisicality? Sexual? Or was it the real passion behind it? The whole 2-3 months that I was gone in her life, I had some soul searching. Quite a few times, the soul searching involved some alcohol, sometimes some cigarettes and sometimes some other people involved. Yes, I tried to get over her. I tried talking to other girls, and even girls who wanted to go out wiht me before. But it was just.. different. It wasn't the same thing. My definition of "liking someone" became, "I like your company and I'm tryna get over someone, so I guess I like you". And it wasn't real. But these people actually helped me out realize what I was missing. I could have the best thing in the world, actually find the better girl out there just to prove her wrong, and have the best time in my life but it wouldn't have been the same thing.

Here's what everyone's been telling me:
"Why settle for the 70%? Why not settle for the 100%?"
"I can find someone better, but is he what I really want? I don't think so. I still want him anyway."
"The girl that got away."
"The girl that actually cares."

And 'that girl' could've been any other girl out there. But somehow, her thought is the first thing that came to my mind. What I'm missing is our passion, our joys, our highs, our laughters, our fights, our pain, our shit.

So where is she now?
Well, she is happily taken, i guess. So I've heard quite a few good things about them . She seems so happy about it. And we're talkin', friends, I guess.

So whats the problem?
Here it goes. I want her back, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend. She doesn't feel the same way for me anymore. So I'm stuck. I don't want to be those little kids that go, "I WANT HIM BACK !!! HE IS SO MY FUCKIN LIFE !! HE TOOK A PIECE OF ME, AND OMFG, I AM SO HEART BROKEN :(, LIKE 012909 FOREVER !!!!". Hate those little idiots. But, I guess, its time for me to actually swallow my pride and let it all out.

So here it goes, if you're reading this.
I know you probably wann hear every thought of my mind, but sadly, I am not anywhere near you right now. You're not on either. So, I can not tell you the exact feeling that I feel. But hey, just read this. Look, I do want you back, bad. I want you back badly enough that if your boyfriend decides to beat me up at the end of all this, then that would be okay for me. I can live my life without you, you are not my life. I don't need you in my life either. You are not the oxygen tank of my life. You are not a necessity, or rather something to keep me alive. You are not the best girl out there, and I can find a better girl. But for the past few weeks, I realized that despite all that, I want you. I want you despite the fights, the arguements, the frustrations and the exhaustion. I want you despite the fact that there's a better girl out there waiting to be seized by me, but I won't because you're the one that I want and not her. I want you despite the fact that I look like an idiot running back to an ex girlfriend who won't change her mind after all this, yet still trying anyway. I want you back despite the fact that it hurts me a lot because it seemed that I was a little too late, and waited way too long. And I will fight for you, despite the fact that I am acting like an idiot, because I now know the reason why to fight for something you love. I may be 17 and young, but I'd still like to try. See? I'm crazy over you. I don't know why but I am. I don't expect you to just talk to me and go, "omfg, I want you back too !!". I'm expecting work harder on this one. I'd just.. like to make things right. I don't think everything just died out because we broke up. But I do think that.. I'd treat you way better. If you thought I was amazing, I'd be more than that, every single day. Because, I'd like to beat the best guy you've ever went out with. I'd like to beat him and make it seem like he's an idiot. I'd like to kick his ass with super dooper kamehameha. I'd like to make it seem like his existence is retarded. I'd like to make him look like a punk for taking you for granted, despite the fact that your best one is me. And I can tell you this right now, straight up to your face. I AM BETTER THAN YOUR BEST ONE.

Well then, now you know everything. Whatelse would you like to know?