Wow. Fail.

Wow, I hate this.

I'm sorry that I'm bitchin' and whinin' but.. WTFUCK IS THIS DENTIST THINKING GIVING PEOPLE THAT MAKES THEM DEPRESSED?!

Yeah, it heals the pain and all but it gets me fuckin' depressed. I actually cried man.

This day started out as stupid as it is.

My dad yelling at me over and fuckin' over again.

And then also when I got home after the fucking surgery.

And then blah.

Blah blah blah, fuck fuck fuck, blah !

I'm in fucking pain. And seriously, nothign is making me feel any better.

Not these meds, nothing.

I know I'm being a little bitch right now but, I can't fucking take it.

Right when I need it the most, it's gone.

Right when I need that little push to help me feel better, it's gone.

Right when I need it to help me, it's gone.

Funny when I never leave it.

Funny how this always happen.

Nada.

De nada.

Wisdom Teeth.

Got my wisdom teeth out today.

Seems like it wasn't such a fucking fun feeling.

On top of that.. blah.

Just blah.

I seriously feel bad already.

Fuck. Just seriously. I just feel like shooting someone.

I feel like shit.

I feel like SHIT. Okay?

I actually feel like breaking down right now.

This is fucking stupid.

Fuck. fuck. Fuck. I can't fucking take this.

Boo.

It's sad how I have to lie to myself in Christmas day.
Have to lie to myself that everything is okay.

Yeah, after a while of nothing, it's my fault once again.
Ha ! Things never really change, do they.

Now there goes my excuse.
And I dun got anything with me anymore.
What now?

It's time for giving.
And it's time to give...













(8) Up up up and away we go !

People need to learn who He truly is.

December 23, 2009. - 6:37 PM

I remember about 4 years ago, I was looking at Bo Sanchez' face, a very amazing preacher, very amazing mentor and has founded the Light of Jesus Community that is now all around the world. I was staring at him and I was telling myself, promised myself and asked God to help me be like him in a matter of 5 years.

I am 17 now, 4 years ago, I would be 13 and I can surely say that I was very naive. To say something like that without even thinking of what it really means. And I forced myself in the spotlight, as a matter of attention. To be praised, to be thought of someone that is good, my ego and pride. His presence to me, was only like a drug, to overcome my own anxieties and make myself feel "good". I used Him as a placebo to make myself better and at the same time, make myself feel bad.

An addictive attitude that I truly kept and has abused quite a few things in my life. It's hard and painful. And slowly but surely, I was strayed away. Finding any means necessary to get over myself, justifying my actions by doubting God and finding as many reasons possible, to procrastinate dealing with things and finding reasons not to believe God.

But God is not the question, He is the answer.
God is love.

I think everyone needs God.

And finding Him is hard.

Grow up.

Grow the fuck up. That's what I keep on telling myself, at least.
This is bullshit. Why do I feel so shit. Seriously, this thing ain't getting any better for me.
Uhg. Boo.

It's easier to keep up than it is to catch up but all I did was mess up.
Fucking hell.

I hate this shit.

Bah.

I realized why I keep on failing.
Though realizing why, is only half of how to get there.

Well, as I was going about my boredom, I realized why I'm failing hard.
I think it's because I'm really scared.

And I'm not giving my best, nor even trying.
And despite that, my morals WANT me to try.
My heart and spirit, doesn't want me to try.
And now, my whole body is in this state of dilemma or conundrum.
Which leads to my various illness-es that is coming from out of nowhere and my exhaustion.

I really have no idea how to deal with this.
It's like, I have to go through this when I don't even know what to do, or how to do it, or what I'm supposed to be doing.

I feel like I'm just failing this thing real hard.