Bah.

I realized why I keep on failing.
Though realizing why, is only half of how to get there.

Well, as I was going about my boredom, I realized why I'm failing hard.
I think it's because I'm really scared.

And I'm not giving my best, nor even trying.
And despite that, my morals WANT me to try.
My heart and spirit, doesn't want me to try.
And now, my whole body is in this state of dilemma or conundrum.
Which leads to my various illness-es that is coming from out of nowhere and my exhaustion.

I really have no idea how to deal with this.
It's like, I have to go through this when I don't even know what to do, or how to do it, or what I'm supposed to be doing.

I feel like I'm just failing this thing real hard.

Wow. Wtf.

This is so bs.

Blank.

I haven't even heard the sound of your voice.
It was only the blank tones and empty sounds of dialing and ringing.
My heart was already shaking.
I can already hear the shattering noises that my heart is making as you pick up the phone.
Your coldest hello, though I'm so used to it.
The ones that you give me before you leave my heart blank and empty once more.
I hear it once again and my whole body starts to tremble.
Listening to the voice that is about to break and torment me.
The emptiness of your tone, the deafening nothing of your silence.
All it comes down to me, as I shake, rattle and roll around the edges of my bed.
I can feel it coming, as you downsize my feelings one more.
Torture my inner being once again.
Blame it on the mistakes that I make from the steps that I take.
Foolishly hanging on to the thread-line that separates our inner sanctuary from being broken.
Though the opportunity of downfall is new, the feeling is old.
Numb to the entire process that interludes the end.
Listening to your silence.

My Hunger For Your Affection

I hunger for your affection.
Day and night I long for your undivided attention.
I need your thoughts of right intentions to stop me from actions
That yells out for constant admiration.
I ask for your abiding flattery to boost my confidence every single day
As I walk upon the course of apathy and alienation.
I am nobody.
I am nobody to somebody when nobody asks for somebody.
Just another slate of body, a shell of insignificancy rotting within my veins
drowning anybody I touch with the poison within my skin, I call ambiguity.
I blame you.
I blame you for leaving me in the midst of my uncertainty.
The consciousness I lack that you have depraved me from your sudden absent.
I blame your blind disguise incapable of seeing yourself through the reflection of the mirror
Where you see my tormented soul without your intent to repent and me.
I miss you.

It's been a long while.

Hi.
It's been a long time eh?

Well, Hi, my old and dearest friend.
Here I am again. Once, twice, gone but always be back in your life.
Bear with me, my left arm has been in pain, from I don't know.

I think this blogpost will show me why it's been killing me and how this is all back again.

But hey, how's my summer been? Well, things has been quite well. Though, my summer started up with a lot of pressure thrown upon me. Yeah, it was painful. A summer where I went through a lot of things that I didn't think will be possible yet, it was possible. Thanks to You.

I got her back again but looking back to what I went through. It was painful. The hassle, the thoughts, the agony, the long and sleepless nights, the painful memories of yesterday and the crushed hopes of tomorrow, and the constant influences by many friends and family. That's how it all started.

But it happened anyway. And God, I am thankful for all these. Very thankful that I have her.

It's funny though. It didn't end there. Getting kicked out or even, moving out was a journey and an adventure, I wanted to be in. It was fun. My only thought was that, I'll go through even the harshest place in the world, as long as I'd be with her, things will be alright. It was weird, and somehow, I had a reason not to slack off and make things work as they are. I think I love her that much. Jeez. Well, it was hard but waking up to her face, seeing her right when I wake up and hugging her right beside me, everything was all worth it. I enjoyed every moment of it and God, I thank you that I went through that.

Well, we both ended up going to our respective houses. And in the few little days that I got her back, something happened, we fought, we ended and me, shattered once again. Yeah, I was desperate. I came by everyday of the week, called her, talked to her and did all that I could to make us work, and it didn't work, I think. Everyday was a different flower. One day was happiness, next day was another break up. Somehow, things just worked out and we got back again. And I am happy to have her. All the trouble, every moment of it, I cherish for being with her, to me, is like a state of ecstasy that I'd love to be in. She brings both the fantasy and reality in my world and leads me to where I should be. I love her and I'm actually crazy for her. I love her cooking, her motherly attitude, her wife-like intentions and I love how she takes care of me. She's the girl that I'd fight death for and would live life to be with. I'm in love with her. That is all. I want her in my future, I want her in Waterloo.

Well, my brothers in crime, well, they were all over this. They held me through everything. Our late night chillages, their late night sleep overs, our basketball days with everyone around the neighborhood, their sleep ins on my bed and our late night Halo 3 multiplayer fights with everyone while we were consciously intoxicated by our subconscious minds. They were there, no matter what. Committed through a bond that we share and the vows that we took, we are brothers. My God, oh how I thankful I am for their presence.

And yet another, break up.

It was the same numbing pain that I had just quite a while with my arm, but harsher and more painful. That day involved me spending time with my new friends in my neighborhood. An amazing day, despite the quite painful event. A good day playing both basketball and football, just relaxing the mind and taking the day an ease through.

And the day after, she asked me out.

My days involved continuous visitations to see the wife, everyday distress with financial trouble, continuous visitations from the boys, staying up until 5, every now and then CSI and Criminal Minds marathon and enjoying the presence of constant nagging from my parents.

My family has always been there. Throughout this whole summer, I think I've brought them enough trouble to last their lifetimes. And I do love them but sometimes, I can't stand them. And I know they feel the same way. My sister once caused me a garbage truck filled with stress and pain only to look out for me. My mom whom I love for always being there, regardless of what is happening though my patience for her troublesome nagging is starting to deteriorate. My little brother who is very annoying and very troublesome yet holds the brightest of the future. My dad who I will not understand and neither will he understand me, who does not really know who I am or even, believes in who or what I want to be. It's alright. I think I understand what I can not understand. I thank God for having these and having to experience these moments this summer.

And then, the last week of summer comes.

Jeez. To those people that I have not seen this whole summer, I ask for your forgiveness. I miss you all. I love you and I thank you for always being there regardless of my disappearance. I enjoy your support and your caring for me. I love you all and you will always have a special place in my heart. I hope to see you when school starts.

Marcus, Everest, Voydie, I miss you guys. A lot <3
Dia, I have yet to see you.

But my nights have been sleepless.
A zombie sleeping, only for the point of closing my eyes and letting the time pass by.

Why?

I think the same reason why my left arm has gone numb on me this whole day, giving me an aching nerve near my shoulders and elbow.

Stress. Stress about my last year of school. The high expectations of myself for myself, the 100%-given no-slack hard-work attitude, the fear of failing the given expectations and goals, the future that beholds unlimited possibilities and Waterloo.

Yes, I am scared. I am scared to fail me, I am scared to fail my family and I am scared to fail her.

And the only thing that I can do is trust. Trust in myself and trust in God.
It's easier said than done. But I'd have to cope with it.

My prayer before I sleep tonight.

Oh Lord, if you're listening. I thank you for everyone that is around me, here to help me understand, learn and grow. To guide me as a person and build me as a human being. Thank you for every moment of this summer, the blessings, guidance and the strengths to deal with everything. I'd like to ask forgiveness for my idiotness, for my offenses and my short-comings. I'd like to ask forgiveness for the times that I have given up on myself, on other people and on you. I ask forgiveness for being stupid. My God, oh my loving God, you are great and I ask that you may take care of me and guide me for I am in stress. Take care of everyone that I know and bless them. God, I'd like to trust in you, my life and my soul and the days of my life. I ask for Tita Corazon Sanchez' and my grandparents' souls to rest in peace and may you guide their soul to heaven and eternal rest. I ask for y our love, oh Lord God.


Summer '09. What an unbelievable summer has it been.

Boo.

I love how I only write here when I need someone to talk to.
I guess, I need to talk.

Let's talk, why won't we? Cause, my words have been suppressed in, way too much lately.

Doc: Hi John.
Me: Doc, I have a problem. We need to talk.
Doc: How are you feeling?
Me: Awful. This feeling is ridiculous. You know, I hate hurting her over and over again, as if my presence and me not letting her move on, is just hurting her more.
Doc: Is there something that you can do?
Me: Other than, just taking it all in and doing my best to make this work all over again, no, nothing really.
Doc: Maybe, you should give her some time.
Me: I know. It just, I guess it kills me to know that I have hurt her again because I'm stupid.
Doc: You're not stupid.
Me: But, I make petty mistakes.
Doc: Yes you do. No one is perfect, but that doesn't make you stupid.
Me: That's true. I guess I should stop telling myself that I am stupid.
Doc: Yeah, start with that at least.
Me: Okay. I'm not stupid. But I hate hurting her, doc. What do I do?
Doc: Well, you're getting better now with handling things right?
Me: Yeah, I guess so. Now that I realized where I actually stand, then yes, I know that I'll be making things work.
Doc: Okay, then, just give it some time to let things fall down into their places. Things will work out. Things just work out, don't they?
Me: Yeah, they do. With me and her, everything works out perfectly despite how bad things get.
Doc: See? Ain't that a sign enough? Because, I can tell you, not every couple can do that. I mean, A year and six months, not counting the months you were apart, is a long time. No one even thought you guys will last this long. No one even though you'd actually spend this much time to make this work. Seriously, you didn't even want to move a finger the moment you got taken.
Me: Yeah, I know. I didn't think that I'd work my ass off right after that painful relationship with whatsherface.
Doc: See. And now, you just have to polish things up right? Make things better. Make them the way they should be and the way they are. All you gotta do is give it some time. Give her some time to cool things down.
Me: But doc, you and I know how I am. I don't have the patience.
Doc: Stop giving yourself such a hard time. You have all that is needed, and if anything, more than what is needed. You're dumbing yourself down. That's not right. You're an amazing guy who went through all this hassle, all through this hurt and pain, and all through the bullshit of just getting her back, just the fights, or even just the weeks that have passed. And you have all that to make things work with her now. You love her don't you?
Me: Yes, with all my heart, I do.
Doc: Then, hang on. Pray. Pray for patience, pray for help, and just pray.

Thanks doc.

Wow. What the hell.

What the hell kind of dream was that.
It was like, a dream straight to the detail.
Freaking.. scary as fuck.

I'm actually like.. shaking out of terror right now.