Bamboozle.

Special words in the time of downfall.

I was thinking about this. If I were given a chance to change the way I acted or did things, I actually would. For the first time in my life, I am having regrets of the way that I acted. But somehow, I had to learn it the hard way.

Let me explain it from the start.
We weren't fond of each other, but we were close. We didn't like each other very well, but we did love each other.

We weren't similar in any way at all. We were different from each other, the exact opposite. She doesn't read, and I on the other hand, is close to a bookworm. She doesn't enjoy getting out and chilling by the beach or such and I do. And up until this point, I can't find any similarity that we had. Well, one, the fact that we wanted to work the relationship out. Despite these differences, we still enjoyed each other's company. Wait, we loved each other's company. Well, I still do.

And as I think back for something that I can do to get her back, I can't seem to find anything that would've made me stand out as a guy. Who was I? I was only a guy, whom, she talked to. A sweet guy, perhaps? I was there when she needed someone to lean on. I was just, that guy that actually wanted to listen to her. For all who knows, I was just a rebound. But I was there for her. And regardless of how we ended up with each other, I still took good care of her, with the very best of my ability.

I got to admit, I did feel exhausted, quite a few times. Somewhere in the beginning and somewhere in the end of the relationship. It was a lot of hard work for her and I.

But who was I before this? I was the player, and the guy who didn't take any girl seriously. And look at me, going crazy over a girl, an ex girl to make it worse. I don't run back to any of my ex girlfriends. I prove them wrong by going out with a better girl. I did go out with a few girls, though, not really "taking it seriously", but still tried to make it work and be the best man that I am. Don't get me wrong though, I still flirted behind their back, only due to the fact that I was a natural flirt. But it was different with her, I guess. I took her seriously, and did not see or talk to any other girl out there. On top of that, dropped any friend that I had whom wanted to talk to me. I basically held myself back to keep myself faithful and cut lose with any connection that I had with the world out there.

Blah, so where am I at right now?
The amazing karma kicking me in the ass. I'm in the position of A girl, that I broke up with, after about.. 10 months. She wanted me back, bad. To the eyes of other, I played her, right after we broke up. I, on the other hand, was just real confused with my feelings. But, I didn't do what an ex should've done in the first place, leave and do not deceive. Somehow, I'm in that situation.

So why did it take me about three months to realize what I wanted?
It took me so long to realize all this because I had to learn what I was missing, the passion. Now, the relationship got frustrating and exhausting. For every moment we see each other, one of us seem to be so exhausted with the way that we were going on. I guess, it was due to the fact that we both lived so far from each other. This kinda took me off guard and somehow, took her for granted. So, I had to get away. I had to find what I was missing. Was it just the phisicality? Sexual? Or was it the real passion behind it? The whole 2-3 months that I was gone in her life, I had some soul searching. Quite a few times, the soul searching involved some alcohol, sometimes some cigarettes and sometimes some other people involved. Yes, I tried to get over her. I tried talking to other girls, and even girls who wanted to go out wiht me before. But it was just.. different. It wasn't the same thing. My definition of "liking someone" became, "I like your company and I'm tryna get over someone, so I guess I like you". And it wasn't real. But these people actually helped me out realize what I was missing. I could have the best thing in the world, actually find the better girl out there just to prove her wrong, and have the best time in my life but it wouldn't have been the same thing.

Here's what everyone's been telling me:
"Why settle for the 70%? Why not settle for the 100%?"
"I can find someone better, but is he what I really want? I don't think so. I still want him anyway."
"The girl that got away."
"The girl that actually cares."

And 'that girl' could've been any other girl out there. But somehow, her thought is the first thing that came to my mind. What I'm missing is our passion, our joys, our highs, our laughters, our fights, our pain, our shit.

So where is she now?
Well, she is happily taken, i guess. So I've heard quite a few good things about them . She seems so happy about it. And we're talkin', friends, I guess.

So whats the problem?
Here it goes. I want her back, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend. She doesn't feel the same way for me anymore. So I'm stuck. I don't want to be those little kids that go, "I WANT HIM BACK !!! HE IS SO MY FUCKIN LIFE !! HE TOOK A PIECE OF ME, AND OMFG, I AM SO HEART BROKEN :(, LIKE 012909 FOREVER !!!!". Hate those little idiots. But, I guess, its time for me to actually swallow my pride and let it all out.

So here it goes, if you're reading this.
I know you probably wann hear every thought of my mind, but sadly, I am not anywhere near you right now. You're not on either. So, I can not tell you the exact feeling that I feel. But hey, just read this. Look, I do want you back, bad. I want you back badly enough that if your boyfriend decides to beat me up at the end of all this, then that would be okay for me. I can live my life without you, you are not my life. I don't need you in my life either. You are not the oxygen tank of my life. You are not a necessity, or rather something to keep me alive. You are not the best girl out there, and I can find a better girl. But for the past few weeks, I realized that despite all that, I want you. I want you despite the fights, the arguements, the frustrations and the exhaustion. I want you despite the fact that there's a better girl out there waiting to be seized by me, but I won't because you're the one that I want and not her. I want you despite the fact that I look like an idiot running back to an ex girlfriend who won't change her mind after all this, yet still trying anyway. I want you back despite the fact that it hurts me a lot because it seemed that I was a little too late, and waited way too long. And I will fight for you, despite the fact that I am acting like an idiot, because I now know the reason why to fight for something you love. I may be 17 and young, but I'd still like to try. See? I'm crazy over you. I don't know why but I am. I don't expect you to just talk to me and go, "omfg, I want you back too !!". I'm expecting work harder on this one. I'd just.. like to make things right. I don't think everything just died out because we broke up. But I do think that.. I'd treat you way better. If you thought I was amazing, I'd be more than that, every single day. Because, I'd like to beat the best guy you've ever went out with. I'd like to beat him and make it seem like he's an idiot. I'd like to kick his ass with super dooper kamehameha. I'd like to make it seem like his existence is retarded. I'd like to make him look like a punk for taking you for granted, despite the fact that your best one is me. And I can tell you this right now, straight up to your face. I AM BETTER THAN YOUR BEST ONE.

Well then, now you know everything. Whatelse would you like to know?

Rebound, Chapter 3: Bamboozle

My face was dripping wet as it was covered in tears as he answered me. I basically broke his trust right even before he started trusting me. Stupidity was it? No, I call it idiotic, what I did. He opened his arms for me, yet it seemed to me as if I broke them just to push the blessing away from me. Yes, I have done this, and in the end...

Rebound, Chapter 2: Number One

" I can treat you better than your ex, better than your next, and make sure that I'll be the best."

"Really now?"

"Yes ma'am. So I think you should pick me over them idiots."
"Really now? You don't even know if I like you."
"Then, let's find out now, do you?"
"Do YOU?"
"You're gay, I asked first."
"Girls don't answer first."
"Okay fine, I do."
"I do too."

We did not realize what was going on... him being different drew me closer and closer, sweeping me off my feet, and almost unlocking the buried treasure hidden beneath my heart. He made me feel sane and somehow, I just wanted him.

***

Well, I never really talked about my parents, now do I? Joshua Michael Vermo and Mae Vermo, married since July 5th 1981. Who are they in my life? Well, mentors, teachers, creator? Well, I owe them my life, for sure. I love them but there are times when we do have fights, arguments, and disagreements, and I take it all by heart. Oversensitivity? I guess so. My mother and I aren't as tight as we used to be, I guess. And we argue about every little thing.

And who became my get away from these bullshit? Him, John. He took care of me. I should tell you how he asked me out.

Well, I planned on running away that day. Why? For what reason? Overreacting over my parents. You can say that in my teen years, I "hated" my mom a lot. Why you ask? Well, I had my years, had my phases, and had the weirdest thoughts in my mind. It seemed to me as if, my mom never really cared about me and all that she had to say, was full of ignorance and stupidity. But, I digress. John offered to shelter me just for the night. He also joked that if I wanted to stay longer, I had to pay rent... but not by the usual means. Asshole.

Anyway, I ended up meeting his whole family, and his parents, seem to have this big expectations for him but he seemed so, respectful and tight with his family. His brother and sister? The cutest bunch of kids that I've ever met. Amazing kids. They took me in as if I was part of the family, already. They made me feel so... comfortable, like the warmth of a blazing fire in the middle of a winter camp. The comfort and the care they showed me, were... truly amazing.

I keep on digressing.

So, you're probably anxious to hear how he was going to ask me out.

We were lying down, at around 1:00 AM, watching, I think was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Well, it went off as this:

"Hey, wanna see something really amazing?"
"Uhm.. no, not really"
"Why do you have to be so gay? Look at this."
*shows text message on phone*

12:47 AM
Will you be my girl?

What was going through my mind? I have no idea. That was cheesy as hell though.
And obviously, I said yes, with a smile and a good kiss. Was I happy? Yes... but at the same time, I was scared.

He's such an amazing person. But I was the opposite of him. I'll end up hurting him eventually. How could I? I had no idea, but I risked it anyway. I thought to myself that it could work. Though, you should know one thing, we live on opposite side of the city. So yes, I was scared as hell.

But that's not it. The worse was just about to come. How?
Like this.

At a time where I thought I'll be happy with this guy, taking care of me and helping me out through everything, my doubts and anxiety probably brought me down. How? I was still scared of us, of my feelings, how everything is going to work.

On my way home, the day after, I saw James. Where about? Just around the terminal on my way to the bus. How did it go? Long story short, we talked, made out and I had a boyfriend already. How did I feel? I let the spur of the moment take over me.

Stupidity? Yes. Idiocracy? Yes.
Yes, I did realize that I hurt probably one of the most amazing guys I will ever go out with.

When I got home, after getting yelled at and being harassed by my parents, there was only one thought in mind, how am I going to tell him. More to that, my mother didn't exactly made it all better for me with saying, "John called and he was worried shitless over you. Call him".

And what did I do?

Well, I had to tell him. I had to be honest with him, it felt like he deserved at least that..

"So what do you want me to do?"
"I don't know. Its your choice. Get rid of me or not."
"Do you want me still?"
"Yes. "

I was scared shitless, actually. My heart was thumping, I didnt know what to do... Is he gonn just.. forgive me or did I hurt him that much already?

"I made my decision..."

And that was the last time I felt my heart pause and time stood still, as if God himself was judging me.

Rebound, Chapter 1: The Beginning

Well, I did promise to tell you guys all about my life.
Well, let's start two years ago.
Where was I?

I was in..

"James, listen to me. I'm hurting 'cause of you !"
"Really now."
"Yes, and you don't even care. I can leave you right now, and I swear, you won't even care."
"Then leave."
"What the fuck James, seriously. You can't even make shit work?!"
"Seriously, Marie, I dont need this bullshit."
*hangs up*

Yeah..

That was me two years ago. That was James, my ex-boyfriend now. Well, yeah, since I did call him my "ex-boyfriend", we did break up. He could be such an asshole, one time he would make me happy, and one time he would just tear it all apart.

A little history about me. I went out with a lot of guys, no lie. Stephanie calls me a slu for it, I dont know why. And I gotta admit, I never like to be the one losing after a break up, I do move on real fast. How many, you might ask? Well, let's not count. Not that I lost count, its just.. a lot. My best one? Well, him but before I met him, Ralph. Ralph was my boyfriend about three years ago. An on and off relationship that lasted for at least eleven months. Why was he my best one? Well, he was there, family-wise, bullshit-wise, we stayed around and actually tried to make it work. I just.. got tired of him, I guess, with all the bullshit that he put me through. He was only the best one until he beat him.

Well, the little fire that me and James had was extinguished and blown off by the gusting wind of both bullshit and ignorance. I tried my best to make it work, but somehow, he gave up on us. In the end, he basically left me hanging for about a month, then breaks up with me after 6 months. Yes, I was sad about it. He --

*msn messenger pops up*

John: What happened with James?

Yeah, and well, he was there all the time. Throughout the relationship, I kinda depended on him for help and he was there to help me through.

Me: He broke up with me.
John: Why?
Me: I dont know. It's done with. I don't wann talk about it.
John: Well, I'm here for ya if you need anything.

Yes, we're talking about the creeper looking guy here whom I ended up giving my number to. Somehow, he cared about me and james more than james ever did. Its pretty weird. My first impression of him, was somewhat wrong. There's something about him that makes you feel so comfortable, like a warm sensation of comfort rushing through your skin everytime he's around. Something so different about him.

"John, I hate my life."
"Really? Why?"
"Everyone's an idiot. In the end, everyone leaves."
"Not me. I'm different. I'll be here for you no matter what."
"Yeah, that's what they all say at first, then they all leave."
"I'm not going to leave you."
"One day, you will. You'll get tired of me, and you'll leave."
"No, I won't. I promise you, no matter what. I'll hold you down."

Tell me how a guy can say that over the phone? Ha ! What did I say about something different about him? But to be honest with you, was I supposed to believe him? Somehow, somewhere, a feeling in me believed everything he said. He makes things all better. He.. probably is different.

"You know what happened?"
"What?"
"Someone thought I was chinese again."
"I told you, admit it already"

And oh, how can I forget, he's also an asshole.

I got over James pretty fast and moved on and forgot about him.
I think it had to do this conversation:

Stephanie: Sister, what's up?
Marie: Nothing. I think I like him

Yeah...

Creeper-face. Fml.

Introduction: Rebound

Once, in life, something you deserve will come but will you take the chance to grab it? New people yet the story seem so old to me, as if dejavu, happening again. Is this fate destined? It's your choice to prove it right or wrong. Hear my story out...



"Hey, before I forget about this, have you met John?"
"Uhm.. no"
"Okay, Ann Marie, this is John, John, this is Ann Marie."

My first impression of him? Well, he's just like any other guy, custy face of a hoodrat, preppy clothes, shaved head, not hot at all, not even cute and he has this idiot vibe.

"Hey, I'm John. Stephanie, is she single?"

Okay, what did I say about the idiot vibe? That was creepy as hell.

"No. Shut up, John, don't do it."
"Do what?"
"That thing of your's. (Turns to me) Marie, don't worry, he's a nice guy just a tad creeper"

Yes, he kinda had that creeper vibe too.

"Shut up Steph! Don't listen to her. I'm amazing, she's just mad 'cause she picked her ex over me ! And where is he now? I don't know. Do you see him around? haha"
"John, shut up ! Forget Andrew!"
"Sucks for you eh? If you just picked me over him haha"
"Shut up ! Well, here, mingle with marie, I gotta go get something."

Did I want to talk to him? No, not really. So you could've just guessed what I did.

"So, marie, how do you know Stephanie?"
"Uhm.. she's a friend. One sec okay? I gotta go to the ladies' room. STEPHANIE ! COME WITH ME !"

So, I found an excuse to get away from the creeper lookin' guy.

"Stephanie.."
"Yes, my loving sister?"
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"
"What?"
"Okay, you know, he looks like a creeper. On top of that, what was he talking about?"
"Oh, I had a little thing going on with him.. and yeah, I picked Andrew over him.."
"Uh huh.. And I pick my boyfriend, James too."
"God! Okay, Marie, just a friend okay?"
"Mmmhhhmm"

And that's how I met him. I'd tell you the whole story but somehow it revolved around my failure of pushing him away. I don't know but somehow, it all came down into him hitting on me way too much and me giving my number to this creeper anyway. FML.

I met him two years ago..

Oh man, I'm sorry, I always forget doing this. My name is Anne Marie Vermo. I live my life near the Villa Colloseum in Rome. Yes, the wonderful Italy. Then, you'll probably think I'm italian right? That's not as bad as those people who think I'm chinese because of my eyes. I'm actually Filipino. My parents came from Canada and moved to Rome, because this is both their most favorite place in the world. Romantic, ain't it? I can speak Italian and you're probably thinking that it's Italy and all we do, is eat pizza and spaghetti for breakfast, dinner and lunch. Not true. I eat Filipino food all the time. I am 18 years old and I was born here. My birthday was 5 days ago and it was fun, I guess. I go to a school here called St. Francis de Assisi. The weirdest thing ever, I don't know if you have this in your countries but my school is ran by nuns and priests and such as. So, you can just guess how we're supposed to act and how much we pray in a day. It's a pain but I gotta do it. I want to be an architect, since I love how the buildings and monuments in Italy are desgined. It's so fascinating. Now, I sound like a nerd. Well, I'm doing all this for my future. I planned my life already, be an amazing mother, take care of my kids, work hard. Husband? Well, I'll tell you all about my love life soon. Stephanie is my close friend. I love her to death. She's my sister, without the blood relations. I always feel small around her, she's 5'7'' and she plays basketball. And she's planning to leave me for Team Europe.

Well, that's me and that's my life.
Not all of it, I still got to tell you a lot, especially when I lost...

...him




K, that's the first part :)

One last thing,
When you see my face, hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell

And truth be told, I miss you
And truth be told, I'm lying

:)