A new story

I opened my eyes to a bloody and broken face that was hanging off the dashboard. My heart pounding. I can feel my rib cage trying to yell out from the compression of this pressure. I need air as much as I need to yell out from the numbing pain that I feel. I can't move.

"Help!"

But no one heard me. I was there, stuck, panicking. The andrenaline in my veins are rushing in my head. I can feel my skull breaking, beating from the fill of blood in my brain. I tried jerking my legs, my arms or even anything, but none of it all were responding. I tried moving my head but I can not move. Why am I stuck in this...

And at that little second that I have left, I saw her face, bloody and broken. I don't even know if she's still alive. I can almost feel the torment that her body is enduring, the broken pieces of glass jabbed in her face, the pressure of the seats piled on her and the seat belt strap choking the very air in her lungs.

But who is she really? Her mirage was so new to me, yet so old within me. I can not remember. She seems like an important person.. but who is she really?

From my deepest sympathy, I grabbed the seatbelt and jerked it out to help her breathe. And as I did, I hear something break.

What's happening now?!

Damnit, I think something is about to come down big on us.

New One.

You got me hooked on your scent.
The aroma of the little fibers that caught my nose in a bliss.
Little giant spores entering my brain invading my mind,
poisoning my nervous system, attaching itself to the nerves
of my brain. Simulated through a remote control mechanism,
my body involuntarily moving with the siren's song, dancing
with the deceiving serenade and overpowering the control of my
own free will. The strings that keep me intact while I live in the illusion
created by my imagination in my yearn for the Midas' touch of peace and
attention through my anxious appetites. My deranged mentality and corrupt
interpretation of dreams that led me into an over-affectionate desire to live in a world of
bliss and ignorance. The control over my soul in return for the deceit that
I live in, without noticing the impairment that I have brought to my body
as I walk in the halls of broken sorrow. Waking up to the idea that
my body has grown enthusiastic and solely attached itself to the the drug
that you put me under control of, damaging the sense to see pass the delusion
and straight to the reality. My body, exhausted and worn out from the confusion
of mythological and real, looked straight at the gorgon's eyes but stoned down and rejected the final appeal to flee. Back inside the warping hole of intertwined swirls and circles,
broken down mast heads and the Titanic of my consciousness sinking through the whirling
death of cold and bitter loneliness. In realization of the drug, I have now brought myself
torment while notwithstanding the intoxication of the contract design to keep me within
my holding cell, as my body is used for other purposes. I have lost
my soul and my love, but only the drug that keeps me awake at night.

Wow. Fail.

Wow, I hate this.

I'm sorry that I'm bitchin' and whinin' but.. WTFUCK IS THIS DENTIST THINKING GIVING PEOPLE THAT MAKES THEM DEPRESSED?!

Yeah, it heals the pain and all but it gets me fuckin' depressed. I actually cried man.

This day started out as stupid as it is.

My dad yelling at me over and fuckin' over again.

And then also when I got home after the fucking surgery.

And then blah.

Blah blah blah, fuck fuck fuck, blah !

I'm in fucking pain. And seriously, nothign is making me feel any better.

Not these meds, nothing.

I know I'm being a little bitch right now but, I can't fucking take it.

Right when I need it the most, it's gone.

Right when I need that little push to help me feel better, it's gone.

Right when I need it to help me, it's gone.

Funny when I never leave it.

Funny how this always happen.

Nada.

De nada.

Wisdom Teeth.

Got my wisdom teeth out today.

Seems like it wasn't such a fucking fun feeling.

On top of that.. blah.

Just blah.

I seriously feel bad already.

Fuck. Just seriously. I just feel like shooting someone.

I feel like shit.

I feel like SHIT. Okay?

I actually feel like breaking down right now.

This is fucking stupid.

Fuck. fuck. Fuck. I can't fucking take this.

Boo.

It's sad how I have to lie to myself in Christmas day.
Have to lie to myself that everything is okay.

Yeah, after a while of nothing, it's my fault once again.
Ha ! Things never really change, do they.

Now there goes my excuse.
And I dun got anything with me anymore.
What now?

It's time for giving.
And it's time to give...













(8) Up up up and away we go !

People need to learn who He truly is.

December 23, 2009. - 6:37 PM

I remember about 4 years ago, I was looking at Bo Sanchez' face, a very amazing preacher, very amazing mentor and has founded the Light of Jesus Community that is now all around the world. I was staring at him and I was telling myself, promised myself and asked God to help me be like him in a matter of 5 years.

I am 17 now, 4 years ago, I would be 13 and I can surely say that I was very naive. To say something like that without even thinking of what it really means. And I forced myself in the spotlight, as a matter of attention. To be praised, to be thought of someone that is good, my ego and pride. His presence to me, was only like a drug, to overcome my own anxieties and make myself feel "good". I used Him as a placebo to make myself better and at the same time, make myself feel bad.

An addictive attitude that I truly kept and has abused quite a few things in my life. It's hard and painful. And slowly but surely, I was strayed away. Finding any means necessary to get over myself, justifying my actions by doubting God and finding as many reasons possible, to procrastinate dealing with things and finding reasons not to believe God.

But God is not the question, He is the answer.
God is love.

I think everyone needs God.

And finding Him is hard.

Grow up.

Grow the fuck up. That's what I keep on telling myself, at least.
This is bullshit. Why do I feel so shit. Seriously, this thing ain't getting any better for me.
Uhg. Boo.

It's easier to keep up than it is to catch up but all I did was mess up.
Fucking hell.

I hate this shit.

Bah.

I realized why I keep on failing.
Though realizing why, is only half of how to get there.

Well, as I was going about my boredom, I realized why I'm failing hard.
I think it's because I'm really scared.

And I'm not giving my best, nor even trying.
And despite that, my morals WANT me to try.
My heart and spirit, doesn't want me to try.
And now, my whole body is in this state of dilemma or conundrum.
Which leads to my various illness-es that is coming from out of nowhere and my exhaustion.

I really have no idea how to deal with this.
It's like, I have to go through this when I don't even know what to do, or how to do it, or what I'm supposed to be doing.

I feel like I'm just failing this thing real hard.

Wow. Wtf.

This is so bs.

Blank.

I haven't even heard the sound of your voice.
It was only the blank tones and empty sounds of dialing and ringing.
My heart was already shaking.
I can already hear the shattering noises that my heart is making as you pick up the phone.
Your coldest hello, though I'm so used to it.
The ones that you give me before you leave my heart blank and empty once more.
I hear it once again and my whole body starts to tremble.
Listening to the voice that is about to break and torment me.
The emptiness of your tone, the deafening nothing of your silence.
All it comes down to me, as I shake, rattle and roll around the edges of my bed.
I can feel it coming, as you downsize my feelings one more.
Torture my inner being once again.
Blame it on the mistakes that I make from the steps that I take.
Foolishly hanging on to the thread-line that separates our inner sanctuary from being broken.
Though the opportunity of downfall is new, the feeling is old.
Numb to the entire process that interludes the end.
Listening to your silence.

My Hunger For Your Affection

I hunger for your affection.
Day and night I long for your undivided attention.
I need your thoughts of right intentions to stop me from actions
That yells out for constant admiration.
I ask for your abiding flattery to boost my confidence every single day
As I walk upon the course of apathy and alienation.
I am nobody.
I am nobody to somebody when nobody asks for somebody.
Just another slate of body, a shell of insignificancy rotting within my veins
drowning anybody I touch with the poison within my skin, I call ambiguity.
I blame you.
I blame you for leaving me in the midst of my uncertainty.
The consciousness I lack that you have depraved me from your sudden absent.
I blame your blind disguise incapable of seeing yourself through the reflection of the mirror
Where you see my tormented soul without your intent to repent and me.
I miss you.

It's been a long while.

Hi.
It's been a long time eh?

Well, Hi, my old and dearest friend.
Here I am again. Once, twice, gone but always be back in your life.
Bear with me, my left arm has been in pain, from I don't know.

I think this blogpost will show me why it's been killing me and how this is all back again.

But hey, how's my summer been? Well, things has been quite well. Though, my summer started up with a lot of pressure thrown upon me. Yeah, it was painful. A summer where I went through a lot of things that I didn't think will be possible yet, it was possible. Thanks to You.

I got her back again but looking back to what I went through. It was painful. The hassle, the thoughts, the agony, the long and sleepless nights, the painful memories of yesterday and the crushed hopes of tomorrow, and the constant influences by many friends and family. That's how it all started.

But it happened anyway. And God, I am thankful for all these. Very thankful that I have her.

It's funny though. It didn't end there. Getting kicked out or even, moving out was a journey and an adventure, I wanted to be in. It was fun. My only thought was that, I'll go through even the harshest place in the world, as long as I'd be with her, things will be alright. It was weird, and somehow, I had a reason not to slack off and make things work as they are. I think I love her that much. Jeez. Well, it was hard but waking up to her face, seeing her right when I wake up and hugging her right beside me, everything was all worth it. I enjoyed every moment of it and God, I thank you that I went through that.

Well, we both ended up going to our respective houses. And in the few little days that I got her back, something happened, we fought, we ended and me, shattered once again. Yeah, I was desperate. I came by everyday of the week, called her, talked to her and did all that I could to make us work, and it didn't work, I think. Everyday was a different flower. One day was happiness, next day was another break up. Somehow, things just worked out and we got back again. And I am happy to have her. All the trouble, every moment of it, I cherish for being with her, to me, is like a state of ecstasy that I'd love to be in. She brings both the fantasy and reality in my world and leads me to where I should be. I love her and I'm actually crazy for her. I love her cooking, her motherly attitude, her wife-like intentions and I love how she takes care of me. She's the girl that I'd fight death for and would live life to be with. I'm in love with her. That is all. I want her in my future, I want her in Waterloo.

Well, my brothers in crime, well, they were all over this. They held me through everything. Our late night chillages, their late night sleep overs, our basketball days with everyone around the neighborhood, their sleep ins on my bed and our late night Halo 3 multiplayer fights with everyone while we were consciously intoxicated by our subconscious minds. They were there, no matter what. Committed through a bond that we share and the vows that we took, we are brothers. My God, oh how I thankful I am for their presence.

And yet another, break up.

It was the same numbing pain that I had just quite a while with my arm, but harsher and more painful. That day involved me spending time with my new friends in my neighborhood. An amazing day, despite the quite painful event. A good day playing both basketball and football, just relaxing the mind and taking the day an ease through.

And the day after, she asked me out.

My days involved continuous visitations to see the wife, everyday distress with financial trouble, continuous visitations from the boys, staying up until 5, every now and then CSI and Criminal Minds marathon and enjoying the presence of constant nagging from my parents.

My family has always been there. Throughout this whole summer, I think I've brought them enough trouble to last their lifetimes. And I do love them but sometimes, I can't stand them. And I know they feel the same way. My sister once caused me a garbage truck filled with stress and pain only to look out for me. My mom whom I love for always being there, regardless of what is happening though my patience for her troublesome nagging is starting to deteriorate. My little brother who is very annoying and very troublesome yet holds the brightest of the future. My dad who I will not understand and neither will he understand me, who does not really know who I am or even, believes in who or what I want to be. It's alright. I think I understand what I can not understand. I thank God for having these and having to experience these moments this summer.

And then, the last week of summer comes.

Jeez. To those people that I have not seen this whole summer, I ask for your forgiveness. I miss you all. I love you and I thank you for always being there regardless of my disappearance. I enjoy your support and your caring for me. I love you all and you will always have a special place in my heart. I hope to see you when school starts.

Marcus, Everest, Voydie, I miss you guys. A lot <3
Dia, I have yet to see you.

But my nights have been sleepless.
A zombie sleeping, only for the point of closing my eyes and letting the time pass by.

Why?

I think the same reason why my left arm has gone numb on me this whole day, giving me an aching nerve near my shoulders and elbow.

Stress. Stress about my last year of school. The high expectations of myself for myself, the 100%-given no-slack hard-work attitude, the fear of failing the given expectations and goals, the future that beholds unlimited possibilities and Waterloo.

Yes, I am scared. I am scared to fail me, I am scared to fail my family and I am scared to fail her.

And the only thing that I can do is trust. Trust in myself and trust in God.
It's easier said than done. But I'd have to cope with it.

My prayer before I sleep tonight.

Oh Lord, if you're listening. I thank you for everyone that is around me, here to help me understand, learn and grow. To guide me as a person and build me as a human being. Thank you for every moment of this summer, the blessings, guidance and the strengths to deal with everything. I'd like to ask forgiveness for my idiotness, for my offenses and my short-comings. I'd like to ask forgiveness for the times that I have given up on myself, on other people and on you. I ask forgiveness for being stupid. My God, oh my loving God, you are great and I ask that you may take care of me and guide me for I am in stress. Take care of everyone that I know and bless them. God, I'd like to trust in you, my life and my soul and the days of my life. I ask for Tita Corazon Sanchez' and my grandparents' souls to rest in peace and may you guide their soul to heaven and eternal rest. I ask for y our love, oh Lord God.


Summer '09. What an unbelievable summer has it been.

Boo.

I love how I only write here when I need someone to talk to.
I guess, I need to talk.

Let's talk, why won't we? Cause, my words have been suppressed in, way too much lately.

Doc: Hi John.
Me: Doc, I have a problem. We need to talk.
Doc: How are you feeling?
Me: Awful. This feeling is ridiculous. You know, I hate hurting her over and over again, as if my presence and me not letting her move on, is just hurting her more.
Doc: Is there something that you can do?
Me: Other than, just taking it all in and doing my best to make this work all over again, no, nothing really.
Doc: Maybe, you should give her some time.
Me: I know. It just, I guess it kills me to know that I have hurt her again because I'm stupid.
Doc: You're not stupid.
Me: But, I make petty mistakes.
Doc: Yes you do. No one is perfect, but that doesn't make you stupid.
Me: That's true. I guess I should stop telling myself that I am stupid.
Doc: Yeah, start with that at least.
Me: Okay. I'm not stupid. But I hate hurting her, doc. What do I do?
Doc: Well, you're getting better now with handling things right?
Me: Yeah, I guess so. Now that I realized where I actually stand, then yes, I know that I'll be making things work.
Doc: Okay, then, just give it some time to let things fall down into their places. Things will work out. Things just work out, don't they?
Me: Yeah, they do. With me and her, everything works out perfectly despite how bad things get.
Doc: See? Ain't that a sign enough? Because, I can tell you, not every couple can do that. I mean, A year and six months, not counting the months you were apart, is a long time. No one even thought you guys will last this long. No one even though you'd actually spend this much time to make this work. Seriously, you didn't even want to move a finger the moment you got taken.
Me: Yeah, I know. I didn't think that I'd work my ass off right after that painful relationship with whatsherface.
Doc: See. And now, you just have to polish things up right? Make things better. Make them the way they should be and the way they are. All you gotta do is give it some time. Give her some time to cool things down.
Me: But doc, you and I know how I am. I don't have the patience.
Doc: Stop giving yourself such a hard time. You have all that is needed, and if anything, more than what is needed. You're dumbing yourself down. That's not right. You're an amazing guy who went through all this hassle, all through this hurt and pain, and all through the bullshit of just getting her back, just the fights, or even just the weeks that have passed. And you have all that to make things work with her now. You love her don't you?
Me: Yes, with all my heart, I do.
Doc: Then, hang on. Pray. Pray for patience, pray for help, and just pray.

Thanks doc.

Wow. What the hell.

What the hell kind of dream was that.
It was like, a dream straight to the detail.
Freaking.. scary as fuck.

I'm actually like.. shaking out of terror right now.

Wood.

As hard as a wood, that's what they said about how hard my head would.
Be, as I walk down the streets of loneliness and foolishly, me.
See, I am going crazy, emotionally attached to the thought of you.
A gut feeling and little signs that I believe and bet my whole life to.
I believe in you and me. And how much do you ask?
Well, let's see. As stubborn as your head is when we're dealing a task.
As much as the sacrifices we've ever made just to make this last.
And I will make my stand, right now.
As hard as it can go, and as much as it will show.
Between you and me, I so love you more.
Maybe you can't understand that, and you will push me away like a fatass.
But I do, and that is true, beneath the lies of the world and overreactions that we both throw on each other, only to realize that we just want each other's attention.
No, I will not put myself in a detention.
To what? Stop myself and act like I have no intentions?
Of getting you back that is, because I can't seem to lose my bliss.
I know you'd like to forget this, but please.
Don't force yourself into the loneliness that we already put ourselves through once.
I know we mesh better than the black guy and the white girl in save the last dance.
One glance of your eyes and you put me in a state of trance.
I'm like, that number one fan of your's that stand out in the midst of a whole bleachers of fans.
With all that glitters right on the side. I'm telling you, I'm real bonafide, ready to die and ride.
Besides, what can I do when I drown from the thoughts of you, over flowing in my mind like a high-tide?

Jeez. What have I done to myself? I don't even write like this.

My Little Excuse.

What's my excuse this time?
Hmm.
Things has been bad.
She can't remember me.

I'd talk to her and she wouldn't hear me out.
Why don't you remember me?
I know, for the past month, that was all a miracle.
The doctors said that it was never supposed to happen.
They said it was basically impossible for that to ever happen anyway.

But you were there. You remembered me.. for a whole month.
You knew who I was. Knew my name, knew who we were.
And just like that, this disease took you away from me and the little time that we shared, now seems like forever to think of.

Why? Why does this have to happen to me?
I ask myself, why does this have to happen to me? What have I done wrong..?
The doctors are telling me to give up.
Just give up..

And I tell them otherwise, I can't.
I can't give up. I love her way too much.
And they reply with the most heart-breaking responses, but I knew that these were coming.
There just telling me the facts. Besides, they're scientists afterall, they know a lot about facts.
"It's not worth it, Mr. D. Yeah, maybe, she did come back, from an impossible state, but look, she's gone away. Are you willing to put up through this again?"

What's my excuse this time? I have none.
All I can think of was the pain that I feel. I should give up right? Even the doctors said so.
But if I did, then I'd be.

Stupid.

God should damn me if I were to let go.

"I've beaten her Alzheimer's. Yeah, I've seen the impossible happen and the impossible slip away from me once more. Just like any other day and every other day. But I can't let her go. I love her. I'll beat the disease over and over again . Every day, harder than ever. I will beat it. Where she is, is my home. I love her."

-- Because it's the only thing that I know.

And as I hold on to my rosary, I just pray.
God guide me today.

I guess, I'll be reading our story once again. "The Notebook"

Boo.

What my decision is will prove nothing else but how much of an idiot I am.

Why.

It takes two.

What? Really?

I'm being hated for this?
What now? Because I'd like to go through this again, you're hating me?
What the hell. I know you're only looking out for me and I know you probably think that I'm going to go through hell, once more just for a girl that you think, I should not even spend my time on due to the past. Alright. I get you.

But get me.
I'm doing this because I want to. It might be incredible stupendously stupid but I want to. I want to go through this not because I'm stupid and that I don't know what's right and wrong. I know it's going to hurt me a lot again. I know it's going to take my time. I know I'll have to go through hell. And most of all, I know that this is ridiculously wack. But don't you get how much I want this? This much. That I'm willing to go through hell and back one more time without expecting anything back, just so I can try once more. That's how much I want this.

My Love Story.

It's always been like this right?
We started off with a smile on your face, on the same day, with tears in your eyes.
That was how we started.

You saw your fault.
But did I see mine?

They said it was my fault for getting in this.
He said, "You know how she is. Let her cool off."
And he's right. I do know how she is. She overreacts a lot about every single thing.

I remember, one time, she got so cheesed that I thought about taking in my ex's baby if she was pregnant, since she wanted to have an abortion and I was only there to save the child. She yelled at me over and over again. She wouldn't stop despite the fact that I tried to explain why. Even then, that was my fault, because I didn't even think of her, right..?

And well, breaking up on her two hours before her birthday was pretty stupid too. Because, she thought about what I think yet still wanted to go and move. What was I supposed to feel? I felt pissed off. The person who was there behind her back through shit and out of nowhere, she'd want to leave me. I felt like shit. I overreacted. So true.

We both overreact, don't we? But this means nothing to me. The pain, the heartache, the tears, the bullshit, it means nothing to me. I can say about more things, those times when I'd get pissed that you'd call someone else for help while staying in my house while I try to help you and you'd be happy talkin' to that person and not with me, despite the fact that I just argued with my parents just to take you in? Or how about those times when you'd get pissed at me for the times that I was being stupid.. I'd actually pick one but I couldn't make up my mind which to put. Yeah, there was so much of my bullshit. Or how about the times when I'd go through shit with your mom, with my mom, with your parents and my parents?

I thought about it. Why do I stick through this? Why do I stay with you?

You asked me why I love you? I love you because you make me happy. I love you because you're the definition of my happiness, which is why I tried to get you back after three months, despite the fact that it was almost impossible. When I wake up, I wake up thinking to myself about the shit I went through just to get back with you, and how I shouldn't take you for granted and waste this chance that I have. Before I go to sleep, I think about how and what we'll do tomorow, how we'll be, if we'll get better and better. Yeah, I look so obssessed. I'm not, I promise. I go through your shit and your parents' shit and my parents' shit for the fact that I love you that much. I'm always excited to see you. I can't sleep at night before I mission to see you because I'm always thinking of what we'll do that day and how we get to chill and whatnot and in return, I end up falling asleep on the subway and on the bus. You don't get it yet? Okay. Because of you, I started praying again. So do you get it yet? Okay, how about this. I love you because you're as amazing as it can get. You push me off the edge everytime you get pissed and over react about little things. You push me to get better and better and better.

Do you get it yet?

I can never get comfortable with you. Never.
And it's the best feeling ever since you know how I am when I get comfortable.
Thats why I can never take you for granted.

But do you know what you got?
You got a stupid douchebag who makes mistakes, who doesn't know what he wants rather than what we have, who is so idiot that you just laugh at how stupid he is, who is so cheesy, so obsessive, and so fucking ridiculous because his gotdamn arguments are as stupid as it can get. You got a guy TRIES to listen to you, tries to hear you out, and just tries his best to make it all better by explaining to you the shit that happened, but that's not what you wann hear. You got a guy who doesn't know what you wann hear when you fight. You got a guy who chokes everytime you fight.

Yeah, that's what you got.. or that's what you think you got.

You got a guy who knows exactly how to treat you. Despite his stupidity, he knows what you are and who you are and that things will work out despite how stupid the shit is and how complicated it is. A guy who tries to listen to you everytime you fight, and does not even try to defend himself, but rather, just tries to explain what's happening. A guy who knows that we both over react about nothing and takes in your harshest words. His patience for you is unlimited and will deal with you no matter how hard the situation is. A guy who will be right beside you despite the fact that everyone's already telling him to leave, including his family.

Things have changed.
My promises, I've kept them. Things WILL be different, and they have been. But sometimes, we have misunderstandings, and I'll be making mistakes.

That's 'Ang Love Story Ko'. That's how I am and the story of my life for the past year. And hopefully, many more years to come.