A new story

I opened my eyes to a bloody and broken face that was hanging off the dashboard. My heart pounding. I can feel my rib cage trying to yell out from the compression of this pressure. I need air as much as I need to yell out from the numbing pain that I feel. I can't move.

"Help!"

But no one heard me. I was there, stuck, panicking. The andrenaline in my veins are rushing in my head. I can feel my skull breaking, beating from the fill of blood in my brain. I tried jerking my legs, my arms or even anything, but none of it all were responding. I tried moving my head but I can not move. Why am I stuck in this...

And at that little second that I have left, I saw her face, bloody and broken. I don't even know if she's still alive. I can almost feel the torment that her body is enduring, the broken pieces of glass jabbed in her face, the pressure of the seats piled on her and the seat belt strap choking the very air in her lungs.

But who is she really? Her mirage was so new to me, yet so old within me. I can not remember. She seems like an important person.. but who is she really?

From my deepest sympathy, I grabbed the seatbelt and jerked it out to help her breathe. And as I did, I hear something break.

What's happening now?!

Damnit, I think something is about to come down big on us.

New One.

You got me hooked on your scent.
The aroma of the little fibers that caught my nose in a bliss.
Little giant spores entering my brain invading my mind,
poisoning my nervous system, attaching itself to the nerves
of my brain. Simulated through a remote control mechanism,
my body involuntarily moving with the siren's song, dancing
with the deceiving serenade and overpowering the control of my
own free will. The strings that keep me intact while I live in the illusion
created by my imagination in my yearn for the Midas' touch of peace and
attention through my anxious appetites. My deranged mentality and corrupt
interpretation of dreams that led me into an over-affectionate desire to live in a world of
bliss and ignorance. The control over my soul in return for the deceit that
I live in, without noticing the impairment that I have brought to my body
as I walk in the halls of broken sorrow. Waking up to the idea that
my body has grown enthusiastic and solely attached itself to the the drug
that you put me under control of, damaging the sense to see pass the delusion
and straight to the reality. My body, exhausted and worn out from the confusion
of mythological and real, looked straight at the gorgon's eyes but stoned down and rejected the final appeal to flee. Back inside the warping hole of intertwined swirls and circles,
broken down mast heads and the Titanic of my consciousness sinking through the whirling
death of cold and bitter loneliness. In realization of the drug, I have now brought myself
torment while notwithstanding the intoxication of the contract design to keep me within
my holding cell, as my body is used for other purposes. I have lost
my soul and my love, but only the drug that keeps me awake at night.

Wow. Fail.

Wow, I hate this.

I'm sorry that I'm bitchin' and whinin' but.. WTFUCK IS THIS DENTIST THINKING GIVING PEOPLE THAT MAKES THEM DEPRESSED?!

Yeah, it heals the pain and all but it gets me fuckin' depressed. I actually cried man.

This day started out as stupid as it is.

My dad yelling at me over and fuckin' over again.

And then also when I got home after the fucking surgery.

And then blah.

Blah blah blah, fuck fuck fuck, blah !

I'm in fucking pain. And seriously, nothign is making me feel any better.

Not these meds, nothing.

I know I'm being a little bitch right now but, I can't fucking take it.

Right when I need it the most, it's gone.

Right when I need that little push to help me feel better, it's gone.

Right when I need it to help me, it's gone.

Funny when I never leave it.

Funny how this always happen.

Nada.

De nada.

Wisdom Teeth.

Got my wisdom teeth out today.

Seems like it wasn't such a fucking fun feeling.

On top of that.. blah.

Just blah.

I seriously feel bad already.

Fuck. Just seriously. I just feel like shooting someone.

I feel like shit.

I feel like SHIT. Okay?

I actually feel like breaking down right now.

This is fucking stupid.

Fuck. fuck. Fuck. I can't fucking take this.

Boo.

It's sad how I have to lie to myself in Christmas day.
Have to lie to myself that everything is okay.

Yeah, after a while of nothing, it's my fault once again.
Ha ! Things never really change, do they.

Now there goes my excuse.
And I dun got anything with me anymore.
What now?

It's time for giving.
And it's time to give...













(8) Up up up and away we go !

People need to learn who He truly is.

December 23, 2009. - 6:37 PM

I remember about 4 years ago, I was looking at Bo Sanchez' face, a very amazing preacher, very amazing mentor and has founded the Light of Jesus Community that is now all around the world. I was staring at him and I was telling myself, promised myself and asked God to help me be like him in a matter of 5 years.

I am 17 now, 4 years ago, I would be 13 and I can surely say that I was very naive. To say something like that without even thinking of what it really means. And I forced myself in the spotlight, as a matter of attention. To be praised, to be thought of someone that is good, my ego and pride. His presence to me, was only like a drug, to overcome my own anxieties and make myself feel "good". I used Him as a placebo to make myself better and at the same time, make myself feel bad.

An addictive attitude that I truly kept and has abused quite a few things in my life. It's hard and painful. And slowly but surely, I was strayed away. Finding any means necessary to get over myself, justifying my actions by doubting God and finding as many reasons possible, to procrastinate dealing with things and finding reasons not to believe God.

But God is not the question, He is the answer.
God is love.

I think everyone needs God.

And finding Him is hard.

Grow up.

Grow the fuck up. That's what I keep on telling myself, at least.
This is bullshit. Why do I feel so shit. Seriously, this thing ain't getting any better for me.
Uhg. Boo.

It's easier to keep up than it is to catch up but all I did was mess up.
Fucking hell.

I hate this shit.